Getting better.

[neonspectraltoast]

I just tonight finally realized I'm not mentally well.

And this isn't to say I'm not the Riddler or anything else, so go away if you're gonna start that.

Because I am a witness to greater realities, but they are a mystery and aren't easy to live with, even physically.

Whatever you want to call it, though, the point is I'm not well. And it helps me tremendously to be able to acknowledge this.

I had considered it all a feat of endurance or something, but no...I'm just sick. A constant barrage of self-accusations, hearing other voices name call, and just this terrible pressure in my head like the oceans of conscious awareness broiling in my brain... I really would compare myself to a human pinball.

And I can see why now I'm not welcomed like other people, or given the same class or consideration...they can, you can, all probably sense that something isn't right. I wouldn't say I'm good at hiding it so much as I try to be normal and fight it.

But yeah...dark, fucking dark times for me. A brighter future ahead, though, even though, yeah, I've also got to come to terms with how I've behaved through all of this and the fact I really am quite ordinary.

This isn't to say I'm not psychically aware, cause I totally am, but it's physically and mentally painful and draining.

And you know, when your head and spine are in persistent discomfort, it deadens your emotions, too. I don't feel appropriately towards much of anything.

But anyway, here's to a step in the right direction! I'm not well! Hear me world?! I'm sick! Sick! Demented! My brain hurts!

[Jessica]

[Din Djarin]

[Din Djarin]

Hey neonspectraltoast , i am wondering if you dig this song in any way? I posted it because i thought you might, but am not sure at all!

[Osquirrell]

[neonspectraltoast]

And you're posting memes on the internet.

Am I supposed to admire you? Cause I sure don't.

[Osquirrell]

says the person that is here 24 hours / 7 days a week .. with absolutely no life.. give it up dude..

[6-eyed]

Yes

Action and taking risks toward self betterment is a step in the right direction

[neonspectraltoast]

I wasn't asking you. Or anyone else.

Rude little munchkins you all are.

[Deidre]

Hope brighter days are ahead but sometimes, dark days brings us to healing. Posting here can be sort of a diary, an outlet to let your pain out. While our culture talks about how we need to improve mental health programs, it still seems like it’s not easy to speak about it “out loud.”

Anyway, peace and light.

[neonspectraltoast]

Hope brighter days are ahead but sometimes, dark days brings us to healing. Posting here can be sort of a diary, an outlet to let your pain out. While our culture talks about how we need to improve mental health programs, it still seems like it’s not easy to speak about it “out loud.”

Anyway, peace and light.

Thanks Diedre.

Yeah and I guess I'm learning better than to expose myself to people who hide behind screens.

The correct course of action here probably isn't I admit I have a problem, so go out and be somebody!

And I already have put forth the effort into the insight that was within me, but all people understand is sex and dollar signs.

So, I'm gonna take this nice and slow, and their taxes can buy my meals.

[neonspectraltoast]

Really, I share openly with you guys...I am a completely open book. But I guess it's not safe to assume we're friends.

I guess this is just like everywhere else.

Color me unimpressed.

[Deidre]

Have you ever kept a personal journal?
What I like about having one, is you can pour out your pain, happiness, literally every thought you have and it’s all for you to reflect on, without any negative “feedback.” It is different than just letting thoughts swirl in your head, there’s something about writing your thoughts out that ends up being cathartic.

Posting in a forum, you’ll get many answers and some might set you back and be hurtful in a way that is counter productive. Although, some may benefit you, it will always be a mixed bag.

Just my two cents, fwiw.

[OP1]

May I make a suggestion Andy?

[neonspectraltoast]

I've tried before, but whereas I will feed myself a line of total horseshit, I don't do that with other people, and I can't stand my own bs. I just want the truth, and the truth might destroy me. I might just repeat "All work and no play..."

So I don't know, would a journal be helpful?

I kinda think of the whole internet as my online journal.

I have a Napoleon complex for sure. I can't stand to listen to myself in a journal. If it were for posterity's sake, I'd probably be the most epic journalist of all time.

As it is, I'm the most epic internet fiend of all time. We live in a different era for one with ridiculous fantasies such as I.

I'm just a flat-out dreamer. It's all I really am, almost a caricature of a person with an identity. My whole reality is just a fantasy in my mind.

How I do wish I were more sensible.

Like, these people can say, "Get a job," but my mind can't, or doesn't, equate in a practical way.

And I don't know how a pragmatic person could ever fathom that -- they're just certain part A fits in slot B, and that's all there is to it. They aren't just hanging out on a limb like I am.

It's difficult. Someone should have pointed me in some direction, once upon a time. No one truly did. Now they want to appoint me to slavery, but my whole being is to make magic of their machines.

They say my whole personhood is false. Would you believe it? They make such pretense to honesty, I'd almost believe it.

And so, I'm just a dipshit.

And what does a dipshit do? Stand in an assembly line.

Their world.

[Deidre]

I hear you. The culture we live in tends to judge people's ''worth'' on their salaries, performance, status, car, house, white picket fence, etc. Of course, it's good to be productive, and we have to pay bills, but your worth isn't about what you're not doing. My only suggestion that may help in the short term, is to maybe manage your expectations of how others perceive you, or how they should respond to you. Take good advice, and toss out advice that's not helpful.

But, the journal thing. Yea, I think it could help you because there's just something about actual writing that helps.

Not sure my ''two cents'' is helpful, but I see your posts when I stop in here, and just wanted to offer what I could. We all struggle with something, Andy. You're not alone, we all deal with suffering. Some are better at hiding it than others.