When was the last time you were suicidal?

[Matthew Mussolini]

I have mentioned some of these issues elsewhere, but for those who haven't viewed previous threads, there is some new info I didn't say on the others.

I can't say I'm suicidal, but every time I talk to either of the two Doctors on my ACT team, I feel like I really hate my life and wish I were dead. I also resent God, because my Doctor says things that lead me to feel my spirituality is unhealthy, yet my spirituality is literally the only thing that is preventing me from jumping off a building again, hanging myself, or laying down in front of a train again, or shooting myself or something.

I'm just sick of living in this world so full of misery, that hope in some sentient beings that love me and care for me, and the coincidences that keep happening, that I interpret as signs, are really the only thing that gives me any joy, in an impoverished world of agony. I can't escape poverty. I have tried many times, and luxury wouldn't make me happy. My only happiness can come in a power greater than myself, or the right woman, and the woman I love more than all creatures I have ever met combined, wants nothing to do with me.

I sometimes feel like my Doctor has a remote control and knows how to push the right buttons that cause me to feel miserable, unhappy, angry, ashamed, guilty, icky, and just all around worthless and hate my life.

For one, my Doctor falsely accused me more than once in the same conversation, prescribes medications that make me more miserable after ingesting them for 20 minutes, but the chronic concern my Doctor has, and his and her (there are two of them working together) obvious skepticism of my religious convictions, and their clear belief that my convictions are delusional and dangerous, leaves me simply wanting to die.

If my religious convictions are all delusions (which I'm guessing some of it is), and God has left me that abandoned and confused, and all sentient spiritual beings refuse to help, or don't exist, then I simply have nothing to hope for. I can't rely on chance alone and my effort alone , and the help of the broken, wounded, confused people around me alone, to ever find happiness in this life.

It has to come from God or some higher power with an independent mind, and greater abilities and ideas. When I pay attention to the signs in my life, the coincidences that keep happening that seem like more than coincidence, and believe there are sentient beings that have a destiny in store for me, (and a happy eternity if I am good in this life), I can find some joy in very dark terrible circumstances!

The decisions my doctor is making, the advice they are both giving, their suggestions, leave me always doubting everything, and it simply sucks the life out of me, and I just feel completely miserable every time I talk to them! I'm simply sick of it!


But I don't want to get rid of the Doctor , and here is why:

If I lose my Doctors, I have to get rid of the Act team, the peer support specialist, the caseworker, the therapist, and all the other mental health professionals on a team that come and see me, and are very helpful. I want to get rid of my Doctors, find new Doctor, and keep the rest of the team. That isn't an option. So, at times like this, I would love to die in my sleep! I can't say I'm suicidal, but I simply long for death more than I long for my next meal!
When was the last time you were suicidal? (I'm not suicidal. I just would rather not exist , or exist as a spirit like an Angel or something. It isn't the same thing as being suicidal).

[Undies]

I didn't expect to wake up in the ER with tubes coming out of my throat, fed through a tube going into my stomach.

well, i'm glad you did.

i'm glad you're not suicidal now too. ever think about becoming some sort of counselor, talking to other people who might be having dark thoughts? i don't know if you're quite there yet, but it could be something to aim for. and i think that sort of thing can help you as much as it helps them.

[neonspectraltoast]

I don't know if I've ever been legitimately suicidal.

Don't listen to your doctors, Matt.

You always say "maybe you're crazy"... Yeah, but maybe you're not. It's your God given right to explore, and no one can take that right away from you.

Maybe I've lost faith...I don't know why I have. Probably just cause of the constant negativity.

I'm stupid, which might as well be suicidal. I can see myself downing thirty pills and thinking it's just an act of melodrama. It wouldn't be, though.

I'm sorry if I haven't been helpful of late. I am a blind man flailing in the dark. I have a better nature. Keep me in your prayers..

Obviously, outlandish beliefs can be dangerous. I feel you're too verbose. Like Jesus said, just answer yea or nay. I only tell my psychiatrists what benefits me, because I don't trust them.

They'll probably pry, but there are outs where you can still be honest.

Maybe your doctors are more involved. I see mine on Monday. And from what I've told her everything seems hunky dory. She asks me asinine questions, though. She always asks, "On a scale of one to ten, how are your psychotic symptoms?" Like that's how it works.

I'm gonna tell her I'm majorly depressed and hopefully get some good meds.

The truth is I need euphoric feelings. You and I may be in the same boat there.

You know? And I don't trust at all the person who thrives in this madness.

At the same time, being negative, as I am guilty of, is not the solution.

So don't listen to me -- I don't know where my head's at speaking to you as I have.

Meaningful synchronicity is undeniable, as far as I'm concerned. Perhaps I shouldn't try to approach it scientifically. I have no right to tell you not to be amazed by such peculiarities.

[Matthew Mussolini]

I don't know if I've ever been legitimately suicidal.

Don't listen to your doctors, Matt.

You always say "maybe you're crazy"... Yeah, but maybe you're not. It's your God given right to explore, and no one can take that right away from you.

Maybe I've lost faith...I don't know why I have. Probably just cause of the constant negativity.

I'm stupid, which might as well be suicidal. I can see myself downing thirty pills and thinking it's just an act of melodrama. It wouldn't be, though.

I'm sorry if I haven't been helpful of late. I am a blind man flailing in the dark. I have a better nature. Keep me in your prayers..

Obviously, outlandish beliefs can be dangerous. I feel you're too verbose. Like Jesus said, just answer yea or nay. I only tell my psychiatrists what benefits me, because I don't trust them.

They'll probably pry, but there are outs where you can still be honest.

Maybe your doctors are more involved. I see mine on Monday. And from what I've told her everything seems hunky dory. She asks me asinine questions, though. She always asks, "On a scale of one to ten, how are your psychotic symptoms?" Like that's how it works.

I'm gonna tell her I'm majorly depressed and hopefully get some good meds.

The truth is I need euphoric feelings. You and I may be in the same boat there.

You know? And I don't trust at all the person who thrives in this madness.

At the same time, being negative, as I am guilty of, is not the solution.

So don't listen to me -- I don't know where my head's at speaking to you as I have.

Meaningful synchronicity is undeniable, as far as I'm concerned. Perhaps I shouldn't try to approach it scientifically. I have no right to tell you not to be amazed by such peculiarities.

Thank you! I appreciate it!

Yes, I say things that make me look like a lunatic. I have some weird convictions. But I treat them with skepticism.

They prevent me from killing myself, and make me more nice to others. They are simply my only hope, joy, and how I find meaning, strength, and delight in miserable conditions, and try to see inevitable suffering , humiliation, and death, as something meaningful and good. Otherwise I have only despair and might as well off myself.

I'm lesser a threat to society with my religious convictions, and attaching meaning to the coincidences that are more remarkable than a broken clock being right twice a day.

Also, I don't think you are a bad guy Andrew. We have had our differences, and I thank you for testing me. I think you have many good qualities.

[neonspectraltoast]

I can be a curmudgeon, but the greater part of my spirit loves you exactly as you are. I might be suicidal if you ever stopped being crazy. I love your insanity, if it so be.

[neonspectraltoast]

You don't know what you've got til you piss all over its warmth.

[Matthew Mussolini]

I can be a curmudgeon, but the greater part of my spirit loves you exactly as you are. I might be suicidal if you ever stopped being crazy. I love your insanity, if it so be.

That's an insane choice of words! But I appreciate it!

[Undies]

i don't think i've ever been legitimately suicidal either. i've had my dramatic moments, but i'm a pretty efficient person; if at some point i truly wanted to be dead i probably wouldn't be here to answer this.

i don't think you really want to be dead either. i've seen your posts, you go into a highly unnecessary amount of detail about the things that interest you. you know who doesn't do that? suicidal people. because at that point, why bother? if there's still things in this world that make you want to type up a thousand word essay that may or may not even be read by anyone, then that means you're not ready to leave this world.

also, your doctors obviously suck. just smile and nod at them when you have to, then go do your thing (within reason obviously).

[Matthew Mussolini]

i don't think i've ever been legitimately suicidal either. i've had my dramatic moments, but i'm a pretty efficient person; if at some point i truly wanted to be dead i probably wouldn't be here to answer this.

i don't think you really want to be dead either. i've seen your posts, you go into a highly unnecessary amount of detail about the things that interest you. you know who doesn't do that? suicidal people. because at that point, why bother? if there's still things in this world that make you want to type up a thousand word essay that may or may not even be read by anyone, then that means you're not ready to leave this world.

also, your doctors obviously suck. just smile and nod at them when you have to, then go do your thing (within reason obviously).

Im not suicidal. But when I jumped off a three story building onto concrete and spent ten weeks in a wheelchair, I was. I didn't expect to wake up in the ER with tubes coming out of my throat, fed through a tube going into my stomach.

[Matthew Mussolini]

I find things that interest me, because I feel it is my responsibility to do so. It's what stops me from wasting away or thinking about suicide.

[Matthew Mussolini]

i don't think i've ever been legitimately suicidal either. i've had my dramatic moments, but i'm a pretty efficient person; if at some point i truly wanted to be dead i probably wouldn't be here to answer this.

i don't think you really want to be dead either. i've seen your posts, you go into a highly unnecessary amount of detail about the things that interest you. you know who doesn't do that? suicidal people. because at that point, why bother? if there's still things in this world that make you want to type up a thousand word essay that may or may not even be read by anyone, then that means you're not ready to leave this world.

also, your doctors obviously suck. just smile and nod at them when you have to, then go do your thing (within reason obviously).

YOur last paragraph is very good advice.

[Undies]

I didn't expect to wake up in the ER with tubes coming out of my throat, fed through a tube going into my stomach.

well, i'm glad you did.

i'm glad you're not suicidal now too. ever think about becoming some sort of counselor, talking to other people who might be having dark thoughts? i don't know if you're quite there yet, but it could be something to aim for. and i think that sort of thing can help you as much as it helps them.

[Matthew Mussolini]

well, i'm glad you did.

i'm glad you're not suicidal now too. ever think about becoming some sort of counselor, talking to other people who might be having dark thoughts? i don't know if you're quite there yet, but it could be something to aim for. and i think that sort of thing can help you as much as it helps them.

It's actually my dream, to be honest. Getting there will be very difficult journey though, because I will need to have years of not having a caseworker, therapist, or Psychiatrist to do that kind of work, I was told.

And I have a violent charge against a man and another felony crime against another person, and many other crimes. I have a lot stacked against me.

I think I definitely have some potential for helping people if I get my shit together!

[GLEN......]

No Suicidal Thoughts Here Thank You Very Much....

There Is Nothing In Life That Cannot Be Worked Through If

You Put Your Mind To It.

Life Is A One Time Gift To Us....

People Who Commit Suicide Are For The Most, In My Eyes Cowards.

And Before You All Start Throwing Barbs At Me,

I Would Like To Add.

From 1990 To 1995 I Lost 5 Friends To Suicide.

In My Opinion Only One Had A Realistic Excuse,

And He Had Terminal Cancer.

The Rest Just Needed A Good Smack Up The Back Of

The Head To Bring Them Back To Reality.

As I Said A Few Lines Back.....With The Exception Of Something

Akin To Terminal Cancer,

Suicide Is A Cowards Way Out.

Thank You For Reading.....



Cheers Glen.

[mallyboppa]

You live Life mate ! as do I , Its all we got (and everything we have ) !!

[Undies]

It's actually my dream, to be honest. Getting there will be very difficult journey though, because I will need to have years of not having a caseworker, therapist, or Psychiatrist to do that kind of work, I was told.

And I have a violent charge against a man and another felony crime against another person, and many other crimes. I have a lot stacked against me.

I think I definitely have some potential for helping people if I get my shit together!

you actually remind me a lot of one of my best friends from my college years. we met when a mutual friend told me to come meet this guy with amazing weed, then a few days later i came home from class and he was sitting on my bedroom floor with my roommate and immediately handed me a bunch of shrooms. that doesn't matter though, the point is he ended up getting way too into xanax, then coke, and he ended up in and out of rehab for a couple years. but once he got it all figured out, he got a job working with troubled teens, mostly talking to them about their problems and sometimes just jamming with them on his guitar. this was a guy who was pretty much on the verge of suicide for years, but since he's been doing the helping thing he's been kind of awkwardly happy.

your record might slow things down a bit, but from my experience i think people in this business kind of expect a bit of a background. otherwise, it's a little suspicious why someone would even be interested in this line of work. i'm sure you know people who work in rehab facilities; ask them how many employees are past addicts. i'd bet it's well over half. some things are just better done by people who have experienced the situation firsthand.

[Amerijuanican]

the one and only time... sometime between '90 and '93. not exactly sure.

Every damn day harassment from the same bullying co-worker, about something in my personal life. On, and on, and on...