If you love wickedness, it loses it's power over you!

[Matthew Mussolini]

I saw more hatred, evil, murderers, and rapists before age 18 than most people experience in a lifetime. My cell mate at age 12 in Kalispell detention center was Anthony Evans who raped and drowned a little girl in the hungry horse river in Montana. He told me not to sleep at night.

I wasn't raped in jail but tied up in my own shirt so I couldn't move my arms and beaten. I deserved it to a certain extent , but I've come to love monsters , and the God of the Bible and Qur'an is a monster, mass murderer, and cruel bigot

I was scared shitloads of spiders and now I love the ones that bite and don't let go. Spiders lose power over me when I let them sink their fangs into me and inject all their venom (for those who haven't seen this, it's impressive coming from a guy that was terrified of spiders more than any creature):

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If I hated spiders, they would have power over me and I'd have those nightmares of their eyes gazing at me, growling, squeaking, barking, sinking their fangs in me and ripping off their eight hairy legs unable to get them to let go (dreams I had as a kid).

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By loving Spiders, they lose power over me!

Oddly enough, you will be a better soldier for Christ, Shaman, or Saint of any Religion, if you love all the evil around you. If you hate the evil in our world, it releases toxins into your bloodstream that can depress you, weaken you, make you scared, cause addictions.

As long as you fear or hate the evil that is in our world or suffering, failure, humiliation, and death, you weaken yourself severely, demoralize yourself, rob yourself of energy and sound mind, and invite cowardice into your mind and heart.

I was rejected from multiple branches of the military, but I'm certain anyone with experience in the military knows what I'm saying is true. The soldier who finds unshakeable joy, high morale, and peace while surrounded by a nightmare and death and carnage is going to be the best soldier. Those who hate violence, death, blood, guts, chaos, humiliation, sickness, defeat, and death, will be the first to be crushed, demoralized, surrender, retreat, or panic!

I spend all nighters at cemeteries because ghosts and cemeteries at night scared me as a kid.

And after watching the sixth sense feared ghosts. Now I love spooks:

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But I would caution you, as spirits can bring malevolent curses upon you and sometimes you think you have summoned something good and it's actually bad...Scripture says malevolent spirits can visit as an Angel of light and not leave you alone for life and fuck up your descendants for generations.

I'm as skeptical as a Marxist but know powerful preternatural forces that can only come from hell, and am possibly going to be destroyed if I keep dabbling in the occult...so you have my warning.

Other than that, best to get thick skin and love dying, love suffering, love humiliation, love fear, love crucifixion, love being scared. It will happen my friend. Remove the cross and you remove the resurrection!

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[PacificDude]

Matt (I think that's your name?), this was an insightful post. It is true that we must learn to embrace both the darkness and the light, but it's much easier said than done. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since the age of 14, and I had to teach myself how to overcome my fear of too many things to mention - however I did ultimately manage to engage myself with the world in a positive way by exposing myself to everything that is good about people and the world - and no longer allowing myself to react to negative people in their dark spaces. Prayer and meditation helped me big time, and I did not fall into the trap of becoming dependent on therapists and meds. I gradually learned to stand on my own two feet, and did not need to use the mental health system as a crutch.

I'm wondering what keeps you going? I know you pray a lot, and I am guessing that these videos you share with the world must help you to feel less alienated and more connected to people (even when they are critical of you), but some of what you have shared about your life is so dark (and most of it beyond your control) that I'm actually impressed that you have somehow survived as well as you have. Most people would have given up, yet you keep on going. Anyway, I got a lot out of this post, and I just want to say thank you, and encourage you to keep fighting the good fight. The fact that you are still here speaks volumes: You must be doing something right. Never give up. Peace and light to you, brother.

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[Matthew Mussolini]

Matt (I think that's your name?), this was an insightful post. It is true that we must learn to embrace both the darkness and the light, but it's much easier said than done. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since the age of 14, and I had to teach myself how to overcome my fear of too many things to mention - however I did ultimately manage to engage myself with the world in a positive way by exposing myself to everything that is good about people and the world - and no longer allowing myself to react to negative people in their dark spaces. Prayer and meditation helped me big time, and I did not fall into the trap of becoming dependent on therapists and meds. I gradually learned to stand on my own two feet, and did not need to use the mental health system as a crutch.

I'm wondering what keeps you going? I know you pray a lot, and I am guessing that these videos you share with the world must help you to feel less alienated and more connected to people (even when they are critical of you), but some of what you have shared about your life is so dark (and most of it beyond your control) that I'm actually impressed that you have somehow survived as well as you have. Most people would have given up, yet you keep on going. Anyway, I got a lot out of this post, and I just want to say thank you, and encourage you to keep fighting the good fight. The fact that you are still here speaks volumes: You must be doing something right. Never give up. Peace and light to you, brother.

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Why thank you...it means a lot!

What keeps me going is for one, I don't think suicide will end my suffering. I don't believe suicides go to hell forever, but I believe their suffering temporarily gets worse after the suicide. I broke multiple bones throwing myself off a building and shall never try it again.

I keep going because I feel a joy in the integrity of following my conscience, fighting what I find noble to fight, carrying my cross daily, increasing my threshold to pain and suffering, growing more courageous, even fighting God when he goes against my conscience.

I cover a lot of what keeps me going in this video:

Granted, that video is too long to watch lol

I'm trying to leave the life of being a sociopathic, immature savage, and discover noble-mindedness, altruism, Self-control, Courage, strength, prudence, and maturity.

That keeps me going, the desire to obtain those virtues. Many coincidences I identify as graces from the Kami also keep me going.

I also love mother Teresa.

Today I mopped the floor with great love. Do little things with great love and you will be a great Saint!

But you will see much darkness from me because it is simply what I'm filled with. It's what I know. It's what surrounds me.

To drink the bitter chalice Christ drank at Gethsemane , it requires my daily dosage of darkness so that my tolerance to the bitter drink grows until I can stomach the last drop.

[PacificDude]

Just finished watching the video. A lot to process in one night, but I agree w/most of what you said about Christianity and the Bible. Dude, I totally get how frustrating it is to try to connect with religious people that seemingly enjoy using the Good Book to bicker and fight w/one another - instead of a guide to help bring about unity and peace. Too many Christians use the Bible as a weapon. This should not be so. I've walked out of plenty of churches because of "another" fire and brimstone sermon which only made me feel more miserable than I was at the start!

Now I pray and meditate at home, and have my own little room which is a sort of Mother Teresa, Christ, and Buddha shrine - one does not need a grand cathedral or church to connect w/the Holy Spirit. Jesus always gave his sermons outside, and this somehow seems more fitting to me. You've given me a lot to think about. Keep up the good work... and God bless you :-)

[Amerijuanican]

Totally agree! ... Hang tough.

[Matthew Mussolini]

Just finished watching the video. A lot to process in one night, but I agree w/most of what you said about Christianity and the Bible. Dude, I totally get how frustrating it is to try to connect with religious people that seemingly enjoy using the Good Book to bicker and fight w/one another - instead of a guide to help bring about unity and peace. Too many Christians use the Bible as a weapon. This should not be so. I've walked out of plenty of churches because of "another" fire and brimstone sermon which only made me feel more miserable than I was at the start!

Now I pray and meditate at home, and have my own little room which is a sort of Mother Teresa, Christ, and Buddha shrine - one does not need a grand cathedral or church to connect w/the Holy Spirit. Jesus always gave his sermons outside, and this somehow seems more fitting to me. You've given me a lot to think about. Keep up the good work... and God bless you :-)

Thank you.

Yeah...find your unshakable peace in nature. The original Shinto shrines were trees.

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Also Journal. I can't tell you how often God or Kami speak to me through what I write.

That's great you have a shrine. Burn candles and incense offerings there every now and then if you can.

But really, pray for the grace to love suffering.

If I didn't to a certain extent love darkness, humiliation, and suffering, I'd not be able to go on.

It's a grace that must come from a higher power. You can't do it on your own. wakamiya-inari-nagasaki-big.jpg japan-hiroshima-itsukushima-shrine.jpg

[PacificDude]

Thank you.

Yeah...find your unshakable peace in nature. The original Shinto shrines were trees.

DSC_0454-685x1024.jpg 84075699cce690019f95d1886032fd8c.jpg shinto-shrine-tree-osaka-japan-95911234.jpg

Also Journal. I can't tell you how often God or Kami speak to me through what I write.

That's great you have a shrine. Burn candles and incense offerings there every now and then if you can.

But really, pray for the grace to love suffering.

If I didn't to a certain extent love darkness, humiliation, and suffering, I'd not be able to go on.

It's a grace that must come from a higher power. You can't do it on your own. wakamiya-inari-nagasaki-big.jpg japan-hiroshima-itsukushima-shrine.jpg

I used to journal every day as soon as I woke up, but all those years worth of paper journals began to stack up big time - so I decided to pray more and write less. Maybe I'll start a private online journal or something? I never got caught up in all the Facebook and Twitter madness. Regarding finding peace in nature: What you said is totally true. I love going for long walks late at night, and since most of my city is sleeping... I can recite poems and prayers out loud, and not have to worry about people thinking I'm a lunatic or worse...haha.

There are candles in my shrine (I like the ones in glass containers with images of saints on them), and this helps me to meditate and pray for myself and the world every day. I guess I pray for the grace to accept suffering, because there's no avoiding it. I've had to learn that resenting the slings and arrows life hurls at us is a spiritual mistake. One can so easily become bitter and depressed - which is not a spiritually sound way to live. I am grateful for what I can see right in front of me, and no longer regret the past or fear the future. Now is all that matters. The Shinto shrines look very peaceful and holy... thanks for sharing your wisdom :-)