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These Are the First Three Pages of a Completed Novel I Wrote ... Feedback Please.

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    These Are the First Three Pages of a Completed Novel I Wrote ... Feedback Please.

    It's called "The Chain of Chalec."
    CHAPTER ONE

    It was early morning in Saburinda, capital city of Northern Egypt and the sun had only just risen above the horizon. Even so the morning chill had already left the air as Princess Krystalene, accompanied by her personal bodyguard and handmaidens, walked along a stretch of beach close to the palace walls.

    The fierce winds and stifling heat that had engulfed the city for ten days had mercifully abated. The breeze that blew against her face was cool and the Princess felt her spirits lift slightly.

    The incessant chatter and giggling of her young companions began to irritate Krystalene so that she lengthened her stride to escape the sound of their shrill voices. Walking close to the water’s edge, she kicked off her sandals and the cold water lapped about her slim ankles. She glanced back over her shoulder and was pleased to see that the girls were now some distance away, laughing and flirting with her guard.

    Princess Krystalene was seventeen and a woman of wondrous and legendary beauty. Tall, slender and of exquisite form and feature many claimed that the sun in its circuit never shone on anything more fair. She had large green eyes and thick black hair that hung to her shoulders and was held back from her wide brow by a wreath of gold and enamel flowers.
    She was slim and her body perfectly proportioned. Beneath the mist-linen robe of white she wore, her legs were long and shapely and her breasts small, firm and high.

    Presently she came to a rocky outcrop where the land seemed to be pointing an accusing finger at the sea. The tide was still out, so it was simple to walk around the obstacle by holding up her robe and wading up to her calves in the water. She reached the other side of the outcrop and as she did so something in the distance drew her attention.

    Krystalene held her hands up to shield her eyes against the glare of the sun. At first glance the object laying half in and half out of the water appeared to be a piece of flotsam thrown up during the night. Still, there was something about it that made her quicken her step and then suddenly start running.

    As she got closer she realized with a shock that it was a human form. Heart pounding she ran up to the body and one glance at the prostrate form was enough to confirm that it was a man. He was sprawled on his back and he was naked. She dropped to her knees beside him and bent her head to press her ear against his chest. Above the cries of the sea birds and the noise of the water lapping about her, she could just discern a heartbeat in him. His face and body were badly lacerated and bruised and he had a deep gash above his right eye.

    Krystalene gently lifted his head and rested it in her lap then brushed sand from his mouth and nose. He shuddered violently and for a moment she feared he had breathed his last. She was relieved when after pressing her head against his cold chest, she once again heard his heart beating.
    "The embers of our past lives lie smouldering within us awaiting the winds of remembrance to fan them in flames of reality." Dax.

    #2
    She glanced over her shoulder and saw her handmaidens running in her direction, most likely thinking that she had suddenly collapsed. Her bodyguard were also running toward her as fast as they could, but their weapons and armour hampered them. The girls reached the Princess first and they stopped and gazed in amazement at the naked man she cradled in her arms.
    "Does he live Princess?" one asked, squatting to get a closer look.
    "Would I hold a corpse in my arms you foolish girl?"
    Krystalene snapped angrily.
    "Is he a god from the great green?" asked another, a wide-eyed pretty girl of about Krystalene’s age.
    "He is well enough hung to be a god." the third girl whispered in awe, her eyes fixed on the unconscious man's crotch.
    At this the girls began giggling so that Krystalene scowled up at them.
    "Stand aside you foolish creatures." she scolded. "Move back and give him some air."
    "Our Princess has a man." the pretty one whispered. "See how she clings to him so that he cannot escape."
    "The heir is trying to keep him warm you trollop." her companion said. She knelt beside Krystalene. "He is exceedingly handsome my lady. That much is plain to see even sorely wounded as he is. Could he indeed be a god?"
    "God or man," Krystalene said in concern, "I fear he will die unless I get him to the palace where he can be tended by a physician. Where are my bodyguard?"
    "See, they come my lady."
    The captain of her guard stopped and saluted the Princess with his sword.
    "Princess are you injured?" he asked anxiously.
    "No captain," she assured him, "but this poor man is, so have your men take him to the palace in all haste."
    The guard commander knelt and studied the unconscious man. "He is not of the Duvan by the look of him." he observed making no move to obey the heir.
    "Did you hear me captain? I ordered you to take him to the residence. Obey me at once or I will have you flogged for your tardiness."
    "Your Highness should he not be taken to the High Priestess at the temple?"
    "Are you questioning my orders? Krystalene snapped angrily. "I said take him to the residence immediately and once there get your men to guard him most vigilantly. Do my bidding immediately unless you want to spend the rest of your days guarding slaves in a salt mine in the eastern desert."
    The captain slowly got to his feet and stepped aside. He barked an order and his warriors lifted the man before starting back down the beach with Krystalene running next to them. Once the man opened his eyes for an instant and looked at Krystalene before lapsing into unconsciousness again.
    Upon reaching the palace the stranger from the great green, as he had now become known, was taken to one of the many outer chambers and laid upon a divan. He was covered with rugs and a physician was summoned before the room was cleared of all except the Princess. Krystalene’s bodyguard patrolled the corridor outside.
    Adrace, Krystalene’s personal physician, had treated the royal family for as long as anyone could remember. He was short, bow-legged and fat with the sharp odour of ointments and drugs clinging to his robes. He was both a wise and skilful healer as well as a very good
    "The embers of our past lives lie smouldering within us awaiting the winds of remembrance to fan them in flames of reality." Dax.

    Comment


      #3
      friend to Krystalene. Waddling over to where the stranger lay he peered down at the still form.

      "And what have you found washed up on the shore today Princess?" he asked, breathing heavily at the effort of having had to hurry from his own quarters in the palace.

      "He's sorely wounded Adrace." Krystalene said looking anxiously at the stranger. "Can you save him?"
      Adrace bent down and his short, stubby fingers probed and prodded at the unconscious form. He nodded his large bald head then looked up at Krystalene.

      "Well Princess he's very badly bruised, yes and badly cut and battered is your castaway, but I don't think he's dying."

      "That's good Adrace." Krystalene said in relief.

      "Hum ... yes. Well Princess, I Adrace the finest and most skilled healer on the continent, if not in the entire world, will see to it that this stranger from the great green is made well again." He wiped his brow on the sleeve of his robe then slowly stroked his smooth rounded chins.

      "He's an odd one isn't he Princess? In appearance he appears to be neither Duvan nor one of the vile Shadring."

      "Then who do you think he can be Adrace?" Krystalene asked, gazing at the motionless man. "Where do you suppose he’s from, with such corn coloured hair lying so thick on his head?"

      "My guess would be a seafarer my Princess.” Adrace replied. “From across the great green to the north. The isles of the sea I believe they are known and probably not the first to have his vessel sunk beneath him. Luckily for him though perhaps the first not to have gone down with it. Now Princess allow me to minister to him or he might not live to relate his tale."

      Adrace bent with some difficulty and opened a wooden box that he had brought in with him. From it he took several alabaster jars and containers of different sizes and shapes, as well as electrum and copper bowls. He went to work only pausing to mutter an occasional "hum" or two as he mixed different powders together. Using several bottles of liquid of various colours, which he also took from the box, he mixed some of the potion into a thick paste and some into fluids.

      This done he walked to the door, stuck his head out and bellowed: "Boy ... boy, water, hot water and lots of it. Be quick or you'll suffer my wrath." He went back to where Krystalene stood and raised his shoulders. "My best apprentices are at the front with your father doing their best to cripple or kill those who have only been wounded by the allies."
      Minutes later a terrified lad of about ten staggered into the room carrying a large copper vessel of steaming water. He stopped just inside the door and put it down then gazed at Adrace in wide-eyed terror.

      "Bring it to me boy and set it down here now." Adrace growled, scowling fiercely at the cringing lad. "Here beside the divan ... I swear you'd not last a day as my apprentice."

      The quivering boy did as he was ordered then backed away towards the door, hoping to escape the physician's notice.

      "Stop." Adrace bellowed, halting the boy in mid-stride. "I've need of you or would you have the Princess assist me?"

      "Yes master ... no master... I..." The boy glanced at the Princess who smiled encouragingly at him.

      "Now boy pull back the covers," Adrace ordered, "and begin cleaning his wounds with that water."

      The lad leapt forward to do the physician's bidding and then blushed a deep red when he saw he had uncovered a naked man in front of the Princess. With a grin Adrace thrust him aside.
      "The embers of our past lives lie smouldering within us awaiting the winds of remembrance to fan them in flames of reality." Dax.

      Comment


        #4
        I have read a lot more than three pages of this, I hope others take the time to read it and offer feed pack. I have enjoyed this book. Maybe someone can offer advice and what not on how to get it published. It is good ... might need some tweaking but I really loved this novel. .

        Comment


          #5
          Reads like it's off to a good start. This is something I don't often say about most fiction books that I open up and begin reading.

          Finding a near drowned man and saving his life is a good opening situation to captivate a reader. It's the kind of thing that makes me wanna keep going.

          I'm not an experienced writing critic though, but so far so good

          Comment


            #6
            Thanx for reading and positive critique.
            "The embers of our past lives lie smouldering within us awaiting the winds of remembrance to fan them in flames of reality." Dax.

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by Beach Ball Bitch View Post
              I have read a lot more than three pages of this, I hope others take the time to read it and offer feed pack. I have enjoyed this book. Maybe someone can offer advice and what not on how to get it published. It is good ... might need some tweaking but I really loved this novel. .
              Thanx triple Bee.
              "The embers of our past lives lie smouldering within us awaiting the winds of remembrance to fan them in flames of reality." Dax.

              Comment


                #8
                Certainly makes you want to find out more about the stricken mariner and his origins

                Comment


                  #9
                  Very good, Dax. I would continue reading.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by mallyboppa View Post
                    Certainly makes you want to find out more about the stricken mariner and his origins
                    Thanx so much.
                    "The embers of our past lives lie smouldering within us awaiting the winds of remembrance to fan them in flames of reality." Dax.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by Jessica View Post
                      Very good, Dax. I would continue reading.
                      thanx jess ...
                      "The embers of our past lives lie smouldering within us awaiting the winds of remembrance to fan them in flames of reality." Dax.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by 6-eyed View Post
                        Reads like it's off to a good start. This is something I don't often say about most fiction books that I open up and begin reading.

                        Finding a near drowned man and saving his life is a good opening situation to captivate a reader. It's the kind of thing that makes me wanna keep going.

                        I'm not an experienced writing critic though, but so far so good
                        Thanx for reading.
                        "The embers of our past lives lie smouldering within us awaiting the winds of remembrance to fan them in flames of reality." Dax.

                        Comment

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