Toxic Relationships

[Tropical Breeze]

Anyone ever been in an extremely toxic relationship or been the toxic one in the relationship? What made it toxic? Seems like when people speak of toxic relationships its always the other that was toxic, never themselves.

I can't say that i have been in a toxic relationship (or even a serious one for that matter) but wonder if i was the toxic one for that short period of time based on the aftermath.

I'm open to relationship possibilities but won't seek them out or advertise myself knowing i would most likely be toxic. As well as feeling indifferent. Not saying this out of some low opinion of self or low self esteem. I feel i have a very high self esteem. Just an honest examination of my relationship with people in general. Especially recently.

[neonspectraltoast]

Not a relationship relationship, but my sister is really toxic. The last time I talked to her she was gaslighting me and saying how pissed she was, etc. etc. I just said so long. I'm nuts, but she's a real case. I may never speak to her again.

[Undies]

Yeah I don't think any relationship relationships have been toxic. I had a toxic roommate once, and he was a drug addict so I'm fairly confident he was the toxic one.

[Pete's Draggun]

I've steered away from quite a few toxic women on the dating spectrum. I've also steered away from toxic male friendships as well.

After my wife passed, I committed myself to avoid and discard all toxic people in my life.


I know I'm definitely not the toxic one in any relationship or friendship. I'm a great catch for a woman thats in a committed monogamous relationship with me. I'm also a great person to have a friendship with.

Quite simply, there is one very important tell all when I find women that are toxic.

#1 > She came from a messed up, toxic family up bringing with shit neglectful abusive parents.

Bad parents create toxic male and female children to later in life become toxic adults.
Obviously, this isn't the case for everyone that comes from a bad parenting experience.

Men and Women who come from loving, responsible, abuse free under one roof family, with a strong masculine alpha father and a committed nurturing mother, you'll commonly get a worthwhile committed monogamous relationship with that person for years to come.
^
I found this type of woman with my late wife, and I'm currently dating another woman who has the same childhood parent upbringing background I just described.

[Jessica]

Yes, i've been the toxic one.

The further I've gotten from being that person, the easier it is to talk about, but it's still embarrassing to remember.

Like Pete said ^
It's usually all rooted in childhood. I don't really want to go into details.. I adore both of my parents and my mother was fantastic. My dad just never healed his own traumas enough to offer a child the stability it needs. There was also non-monogamy involved amongst adults in my early life and I am not for raising children in those situations because of it (although I agree in theory it can be possible).

So yeah I was an asshole. I wish I could say I'd never been the toxic one, but I am who I am.
Forgiving myself and getting over the shame of past behaviours hasn't been the easiest thing, but learning about attachment theory etc. and being able to identify the parts of my early years that shaped these things really did help with that process.

[PacificDude]

Lots of toxic relationships during my twenties and thirties. I'd say I was rarely the toxic one, but was drawn to abusive people due to my unhealthy childhood years: absent father/mentally ill mother... I became a disaster waiting to happen as a result.

But it all worked out in the end for me. Buddhism taught me all about the importance of detachment. Now I only relate to people in a platonic way. I'm grateful all the drama is totally in the past...

[Tropical Breeze]

Toxic doesn't have to be bad or horrible. I'm far from horrible. Example; A person who lives more recklessly, more moment to moment without much thought of the future may be toxic to someone who's seeking a partner who is stable in their career and ready to settle down. Both may be well meaning people but just function differently.

It would be hard for me to consider someone toxic despite how it may appear outwardly if the relationship revealed much about myself that i was not aware of and only made me stronger or smarter. While on the other hand, a person may appear very nice with good intentions, yet may be a hindrance to my growth or potential.

[SusieDerkins]

My last relationship was the worse. We were both toxic and there was friction all the time.

[Youfreeme]

Toxic doesn't have to be bad or horrible. I'm far from horrible. Example; A person who lives more recklessly, more moment to moment without much thought of the future may be toxic to someone who's seeking a partner who is stable in their career and ready to settle down. Both may be well meaning people but just function differently.

It would be hard for me to consider someone toxic despite how it may appear outwardly if the relationship revealed much about myself that i was not aware of and only made me stronger or smarter. While on the other hand, a person may appear very nice with good intentions, yet may be a hindrance to my growth or potential.

Yeah, toxicity can form from a unique combination of your personalities, goals, and weaknesses. I think few people are toxic across environments and relationships.

[mallyboppa]

I see it as Like two chemicals each one harmless in their own way but when they are mixed they change into something not so Harmless ! Yes I believe I have been there (perhaps not as bad a reaction as others have had )

[Shale]

Toxic doesn't have to be bad or horrible. I'm far from horrible. Example; A person who lives more recklessly, more moment to moment without much thought of the future may be toxic to someone who's seeking a partner who is stable in their career and ready to settle down. Both may be well meaning people but just function differently.

This ^

I have only been in 3 relationships and none were what I would call toxic. The first only lasted 6 months as a play marriage. We were miss-matched and did end up having loud arguments where I would slam the door as I went stomping thru the French Quarter. Always returned, calmer and possibly even makeup sex. We decided to end it and did a road trip together taking her from NO to KC for college, visiting her family in MN and mine in Mo & Illinois on the way. Our last argument was at the school before I left. However, a couple years later I visited her in KC on my motorcycle road trip - we were still friends & I stayed a couple nites.

I had 2 other relationships. Jim for 5 years & Brenda for 18 years (and actual marriage for 15).

[Meliai]

I've been in one toxic relationship and I wasn't the toxic one, but I did my fair share of feeding into it for far too long rather than walking away so that's on me

I've had other relationships that weren't the healthiest in terms of communication, but I wouldn't call them toxic.
I suck at communication. I tend to go for guys who also suck at communication. Imma try to do better next time lol

[Din Djarin]

Dutch speaking stoner: *waves*

[OP1]

I've had other relationships that weren't the healthiest in terms of communication, but I wouldn't call them toxic.
I suck at communication. I tend to go for guys who also suck at communication. Imma try to do better next time lol

Well, at least you had something in common

[Meliai]

?

[OP1]

In case anyone stumbles across this thread who is in a genuinely abusive relationship, www.hotpeachpages.net is a good resource. They have world-wide listings of domestic violence and abuse resources. They also have a library of articles on the subject in many languages.

[OP1]

To folks who identified themselves as the toxic one...

What do you think is the answer? Or does there even need to be an answer?