Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Having a Penis sucks!

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Having a Penis sucks!

    This praiseworthy, lovely, and Divinely inspired thread was inspired by Undies making a comment about lamenting the fact that he has a penis.

    If you are female, I'm sure having a vagina has it's challenges and afflictions as well, but having a penis is like being under the influence of the Devil himself on a regular basis.

    For those who don't know, I named my dick "Beastly the Bishop", beast of the Apocalypse, because it's good to give your penis a name, otherwise you have a total stranger making most of your decisions for you.

    Vaginas Menstruate and don't always taste like they smell (delicious ), but scrotums don't smell good either and I'm guessing dick doesn't usually taste good unless it's been very recently washed (I don't know, never tasted one).

    (I actually went on a pilgrimage in New York to the shrine in honor of the Jesuits that the Indians violently tortured to death. It was a long walk that took a long time, basically had to live like Indians, never changed our clothes, and no bathing day after day.

    Well, I actually got a wiff of some of the feminine odors coming from the female armpits and genitalia and it was way different than from males... and I kinda liked it. ).

    But no, envy guys no longer, or wonder what it's like having a penis. It's torture. And boners can often be innapropriate and happen at random when you don't want them to, then refuse to happen when you want them to.


    And I have menstruated out of my dick too. I had blood clots coming out of it larger than marbles and was in a wheelchair , wearing depends drenched in blood.

    That is what happens to me when I have my period. I don't want to hear you ladies bitching about your period anymore. I was leaving trails of blood on the floor when I had mine.

    For a while I had a catheter in and that catheter was drenched in blood that dried and became crusty. Well, catheters have a tendency to keep moving back and forth inside the urethra, especially when you sit down or stand up.


    So, it felt like something hard and rusty going in and out of my cock like sand paper or something. On top of it, my dick got infected by the bloody crusty catheter, only intensifying the pain and agony.

    Then when they pulled the catheter out, it didn't want to come out because a piece of the crust caused it to get stuck at the tip, so the nurse had to pull multiple times.

    Then afterwards when I urinated, the urine came out way faster than ever before, it just shot out and burned like I was pissing out toilet bowl cleaner or like I had a shard of broken glass stuck somewhere.

    So, I couldn't piss all at once. I'd have to let out a little bit, then hold it, let out a little more, then hold it, and so on and so forth, groaning the entire time.

    I have also had two STD's where I was groaning while urinating.

    So yeah, "my penis had seen better days", I told the nurse.

    Do you have any nightmares involving your penis or Vagina
    ? Do share!

    #2
    The only way to see one suck, is to play a porno flick backward. Watch those nice men use their vacuum hoses to clean those pretty girls faces!

    Comment


    • Audiogen
      Audiogen commented
      Editing a comment
      Tenet: The Porno

    #3
    for the record, i didn't actually lament my penis. i'm really quite a big fan of its existence.

    Comment


      #4
      Originally posted by ill Duce View Post
      ...it's good to give your penis a name, otherwise you have a total stranger making most of your decisions for you.

      Comment


      • WritersPanic
        WritersPanic commented
        Editing a comment
        This one slayed me too. It belongs on a t-shirt. Or a LinkedIn profile!

        Personally, I didn't give it a name, just a functional description; Violator. That goes back to the 70s, before Depeche Mode.

      • Dr. Doom
        Dr. Doom commented
        Editing a comment
        Duce actually makes a pretty good point lol

      #5
      I don't like hearing about your stupid dick, and hearken for a time when people would have realized that this sort of conversation is uncouth and inappropriate. For good reason.

      No, the penis isn't my brain. Sex is for reproduction. Getting laid is neither love nor a conquest. And all you dudes are completely lame. But your girlfriends are morons, so it all works out.

      Comment


        #6
        It the meth that makes you think of your dick constantly.

        Comment


        • Undies
          Undies commented
          Editing a comment
          WritersPanic all I can say is meth must feel amazing if people still do it knowing it makes your penis crack.

        • WritersPanic
          WritersPanic commented
          Editing a comment
          Too funny. I meant the crack sold on corners. Yer dick only cracks in Antarctica, but you're dead by then, so it's no big deal.

        • ill Duce
          ill Duce commented
          Editing a comment
          Meth actually only causes erectile dysfunction if you abuse it. If you use so much that you are euphoric off it and your mouth all dry,( cotton mouth, little saliva), well then you will have very difficult time getting an erection.

          If you just use enough to get out of bed and improve concentration and motivation, it really doesn't have many side effects at all I've noticed. Getting high off it is fun but I try to avoid it which is why I still have all my teeth.

        #7
        Originally posted by neonspectraltoast View Post
        I don't like hearing about your stupid dick, and hearken for a time when people would have realized that this sort of conversation is uncouth and inappropriate. For good reason.

        No, the penis isn't my brain. Sex is for reproduction. Getting laid is neither love nor a conquest. And all you dudes are completely lame. But your girlfriends are morons, so it all works out.
        Okay,
        By saying "you should give your dick a name rather than have a stranger making all your decisions for you," I thought that was a clear indication that some of this thread is a joke.

        Now, as far as the catheter, pissing bloodclots, that was not a joke, and is there to discourage people from jumping off buildings.

        The talk about sexually transmitted diseases was to discourage people from fornication and adultery.

        So, Jesus Christ approves of much of the OP because it promotes the same moral code he did.

        I don't post for your approval. I did it for Jesus, so FUCK OFF!

        Comment


          #8
          So full of grace. You did it for Jesus. Of course.

          I don't care. It's just ignoble to talk about your dick. And I know you're not joking...you think it's really cool.

          What you have to appreciate is that it's really not something other people care about or want to hear about.

          And girls really don't care, anyway. It is your personhood, or nothing, a woman is going to truly love. Not your penis.

          The reason you're angry is because you're not this juvenile. You have true love to offer that has nothing to do with your penis.

          I'm not modern man, though. I'm haughty, and aspire for something more refined than alleged penis jokes. There still is something called love.

          Comment


            #9
            Originally posted by SusieDerkins View Post
            It the meth that makes you think of your dick constantly.
            Well,
            Susie Jerkins, as long as I only smoke a dime or less that isn't a problem.

            I smoked at least twice that much today but actually I'm not allowed to jerk off today because it's Sun day. So I succeeded at not giving in.

            I entered into a covenant with Mussolini ( the Sun god) , that I'm never allowed to fornicate or masturbate on Sun days or Saturday's.

            In Joseph's Prophetic dream in the Old Testament, the Sun represented a man named Mussolini (just spelled differently), the moon represented Lia (the name I gave the Fascist State) , and the stars represented their children (the assholes who sold Joseph into slavery).

            Well, I named the Sun Mussolini and the moon Lia. So, Sun day is "Mussolini day" and Mussolini is a Virgin now. (Virginity can be restored to people in God's Kingdom, and God and all of Heaven decided that if Mussolini was going to be Dicktator and contender with God in Heaven, he needs to be a Virgin like the "Blessed Virgin Mary".)

            I call him the "Blessed Virgin Mussolini". The Virgin Dicktator!

            Click image for larger version

Name:	images (1).jpeg
Views:	67
Size:	8.5 KB
ID:	101029 Click image for larger version

Name:	images (2).jpeg
Views:	55
Size:	13.9 KB
ID:	101030 Click image for larger version

Name:	images (3).jpeg
Views:	60
Size:	13.4 KB
ID:	101031


            God loves Virgins. So, they they have more influence on everyone.

            The ever Blessed Virgin Mussolini doesn't like it when I masturbate or fornicate, and tells me to be chaste as a lily so that my prayers will be more powerful and I can be a more fitting instrument to do good deeds for the Kami and people.

            I'm not allowed to Jerk it on Saturday's either cuz it's Dionisia day, Rachel day, and Sabbath.

            I'm not supposed to jerk off on other days either, but Il Duce and his anti-masturbation Gestapo said they can make exceptions and pardon my sins if I pray certain prayers afterwards and upon climaxing I have to say "Capitol Hill Queens be exalted, be Queens of Heaven and earth!"

            Comment


              #10
              Originally posted by neonspectraltoast View Post
              So full of grace. You did it for Jesus. Of course.

              I don't care. It's just ignoble to talk about your dick. And I know you're not joking...you think it's really cool.

              What you have to appreciate is that it's really not something other people care about or want to hear about.

              And girls really don't care, anyway. It is your personhood, or nothing, a woman is going to truly love. Not your penis.

              The reason you're angry is because you're not this juvenile. You have true love to offer that has nothing to do with your penis.

              I'm not modern man, though. I'm haughty, and aspire for something more refined than alleged penis jokes. There still is something called love.
              Obviously I was again joking when I said "I did it for Jesus."

              Actually , talking about my dick in this case probably was a good thing because I mentioned STD's, urinary tract infections, and pissing large blood clots. It can discourage people from the behavior that leads to such madness.

              Fine, I can't argue. Love is far better than the emptiness of that follows sexually experiences. Sex can feel extremely euphoric and like the epitome of joy at times, but that is extremely temporary and is followed by emptiness.

              So, I can't argue with you there.

              But still, I don't post for your approval!

              Comment


                #11
                I name all my body parts, this is Atticus
                Click image for larger version

Name:	F22E8B9A-D10C-4B8E-811A-E8C7BCA3C858.jpeg
Views:	97
Size:	2.32 MB
ID:	101035

                Comment


                  #12
                  That's nothing compared to valuing a woman for more than the ultimate act of sex, though, Matt.

                  You are atypical, and it's gonna take a special girl. You may end up alone, but that doesn't mean you were unworthy of love. Things are becoming more typical every day, though.

                  I'm not fool enough to underestimate women, and neither should you be. All in all I just don't like having the Beastly Bishop on my mind, just like you don't like being reminded of Tuffy Squirts (my penis.)

                  It's all nonsense, though. I just hope you find what you're looking for.

                  Not masturbating on Sundays is really a pathetic gesture. God doesn't care about shit like that. It's what's in your heart that is known by the master alone. And I cannot judge, nor can anyone.

                  Not everyone will give their lives for their friends, for instance. I can't know, regardless of what a man says. Mussolini doesn't know. God knows implicitly.

                  Be as honest as you can be before the One who knows you. Realize there is one you can hide nothing from, because he is more aware of you than even you are.

                  And please stop reminding me of the Beastly Bishop.

                  Comment


                  • WritersPanic
                    WritersPanic commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Ok, I'd really like to know exactly what "the ultimate sex act" is about. Like, really specific instructions.

                  • the Riddler
                    the Riddler commented
                    Editing a comment
                    You couldn't do it. Only I can, which is why I terrify women. It's mind altering. There's no coming back.

                  #13
                  You misunderstand me, Matt. My approval is nothing. It's what's in my heart, and your heart, that counts.

                  The conflict between the brain and the heart has been causing neurosis for ages.

                  I'll say whatever I'll say, be full of shit at times, and so will you. But I'll ALWAYS be here, and that's the crux.

                  Comment


                    #14
                    Originally posted by neonspectraltoast View Post
                    That's nothing compared to valuing a woman for more than the ultimate act of sex, though, Matt.

                    You are atypical, and it's gonna take a special girl. You may end up alone, but that doesn't mean you were unworthy of love. Things are becoming more typical every day, though.

                    I'm not fool enough to underestimate women, and neither should you be. All in all I just don't like having the Beastly Bishop on my mind, just like you don't like being reminded of Tuffy Squirts (my penis.)

                    It's all nonsense, though. I just hope you find what you're looking for.

                    Not masturbating on Sundays is really a pathetic gesture. God doesn't care about shit like that. It's what's in your heart that is known by the master alone. And I cannot judge, nor can anyone.

                    Not everyone will give their lives for their friends, for instance. I can't know, regardless of what a man says. Mussolini doesn't know. God knows implicitly.

                    Be as honest as you can be before the One who knows you. Realize there is one you can hide nothing from, because he is more aware of you than even you are.

                    And please stop reminding me of the Beastly Bishop.
                    Okay,
                    I accept the correction.

                    This thread was inappropriate.

                    I thought someone might find it mildly amusing.

                    Comment


                    • Dr. Doom
                      Dr. Doom commented
                      Editing a comment
                      Some of us found it amusing. He didn't.
                      For him we have the handy dandy ignore button.
                      Don't change your ways for a killjoy. Ignore him.
                      Some folks just act raspy 'cause they got nothing going on in life, but they have all the answers and we're "stupid" . tsk tsk

                    #15
                    Most people would, Matt. I'm not most people. And you don't serve me. T stands for truth. Be true to yourself. That is the crucifixion.

                    I'll have my say, though, and I wish love was more innocent, because it isn't my desire whatsoever to be a good fuck, but to guide and protect.

                    Comment

                    Working...
                    X