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Sobriety, my Cross, My mistress who is like God!

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    Sobriety, my Cross, My mistress who is like God!

    Sobriety is my cross, my mistress, total and complete misery, far worse than death!
    ​​​​​Spiritual writers refer to the cross as being represented by one of the most important women in Scripture, almost as important as the Virgin Mary:

    Matriarch Leah, unwanted spouse of Jacob, whose whole life was one of being rejected, abused, being envious of her husband's other wife whom Jacob loved: Rachel...
    ​​​​​​...being mistreated by the both of them despite her being the most important of the two spouses (whom the Messiah and most important Prophets like Moses would descend from).

    With each child Leah thought "now my husband will want me.". Her hopes were in vain, and she was despised, unwanted, and unappreciated, until she went to her grave.

    But she was favored by God, for her suffering and misery bore much fruit. And so, I gave my cross a name (Leah), and Jesus said " to be my follower you must carry your cross (Leah) daily and follow me".

    Sobriety has become my cross, my Leah.

    The girl I have loved more than all other females combined just happened to be named "Lia" (Ecclesiastical Latin version of Leah) and her rejecting me sent me jumping off a three story building onto concrete (as you already know), I literally "fell for her".

    Coincidence or destiny? Leah was destined to be my cross , and she represents rejection, unrequited love, the worst cross. Leah also means , in Chaldean " Mistress". So, suffering and affliction + misery = my mistress, my cross, my lover.

    Lia's middle name is "Michelle " , which means "who is like God". So, my cross, my misery, Sobriety has a middle name, and is " like God". What was God's lot but misery and suffering , rejection, tears, and crucifixion.

    Ill give my cross a last name. Lia's last name I wont mention for confidentiality purposes, but it is found only in Kazakhstan, which has a Sun flag.

    My two favorite male historical figures are Benito Mussolini and Cyrus the great of Persia, whom Jews called their Messiah, despite him not even being Jewish

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    Well, in the Old Testament, Leah's husband Jacob (which means Mussolini) is represented by the sun, in Joseph's vision, and Cyrus means "of the Sun", and my religion comes forth from Japan, which has " the flag of the rising sun", like Kazakhstan.

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    So, my Cross, my mistress is Lia Michelle Mussolini. I shall carry her, be nailed to her, and die with her shouting in the agonizing darkness, "Father! Why have you forsaken me!"

    There is no other destiny. Without the cross and misery, my mistress, there is no resurrection!

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    Oddly enough, some called the death and upside down hanging of Mussolini where he was urinated on, spit on, and used as target practice, a "Calvary" and the crucifixion of Jesus is called a "Calvary".

    Well, in Shinto, there is a word for " hanging upside down" which means "to suffer greatly". The cross means " to suffer greatly ". It was my confirmation that Il Duce and his death was one of a Co-redeemer. He, like Jesus, promised to return as well.

    But perhaps the story of Leah and Jesus and my beliefs about Mussolini (Esoteric Mussoliniology) = Bullshit!

    But what I know is I must love Sobriety, which means I must love suffering, carry my mistress "Lia Michelle Mussolini" daily, carry my cross, and love that venomous, cruel, insensitive, sadistic bitch, who will in the end kill me! (the cross is something you die on).

    Otherwise, if I hate Lia, I will keep escaping her venemous bite by using drugs, and she will retaliate. The more I embrace her, the more my tolerance to her grows, and I shall drink her bitter chalice till the last drop and fucking die with honor.

    Take away Lia the cross, and you take away the beauty, power, and glory of the Resurrection!

    #2
    It seems to me you're kind of standing aside and saying how glorious your cross is instead of carrying it.

    Sobriety isn't a cross. Jesus turned water into wine. The apostles were a bunch of drunks.

    Actually caring about others in a world where that seems like stupidity...that's a cross. Doesn't matter if you're doing it drunk, IMO.

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      #3
      It also seems to me you're being forced into a position you don't really want to be in..and making the best of it.

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        #4
        All I'm saying is you can do it...but I hope you don't buy into it. They force me to be on drugs, too.

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          #5
          Originally posted by neonspectraltoast View Post
          It seems to me you're kind of standing aside and saying how glorious your cross is instead of carrying it.

          Sobriety isn't a cross. Jesus turned water into wine. The apostles were a bunch of drunks.

          Actually caring about others in a world where that seems like stupidity...that's a cross. Doesn't matter if you're doing it drunk, IMO.
          Well, I always pray Jesus bless my Meth and cover her with his precious blood and transubstantiate her into Holy Communion, because indeed, I am more nice to people when under the influence of my drug of choice than when sober.

          But what makes you think I don't carry my cross? Granted, I do a half ass job at it, but still, suffering and affliction is almost constant with the humiliation of being a panhandler, a beggar, people shouting, "fuck you, get a job", and sometimes throwing water and pop on me.

          It would be easier working at McDonald's, but I lose my mind and get fired from every job. I literally think my vocation and calling is to be a despised beggar. Because how can one be proud if they are a beggar?

          At any rate, yes, I do think getting drunk or high isn't that serious of a sin, and sometimes the best thing for a person, provided it doesn't enslave them to need a daily fix.

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            #6
            Originally posted by neonspectraltoast View Post
            It seems to me you're kind of standing aside and saying how glorious your cross is instead of carrying it.

            Sobriety isn't a cross. Jesus turned water into wine. The apostles were a bunch of drunks.

            Actually caring about others in a world where that seems like stupidity...that's a cross. Doesn't matter if you're doing it drunk, IMO.
            Oh, Sobriety is a cross. Dude, I used to fear big spiders more than anything. Now I love spiders and the most aggressive ones that bite me. I welcome it.

            Sobriety is so much worse a nightmare to me: than a Spider biting me that weighed as much as I do. Spiders I realized aren't a rational phobia. They don't completely crush me and I've held over a hundred species.

            I've been hit by a car that sent me up on the dash board and to the windshield and walked away fine. I've had my arm yanked out of socket twice. I've had multiple fractured bones. None of that bothers me unless I'm sober.

            When sober everything bothers and irritates all fowl and festering wounds. Everything negative is a Spider to me, and spiders usually aren't scary. Three Spiders still freak me out though : "School, holding a real job, and sobriety".

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              #7
              A cross isn't being abused. It's a dedication to values that won't bend, despite the fact you're being spit on.

              A cross would be like your dedication to Denise. Like, even if I crucify you, you can't deny that.

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                #8
                Originally posted by neonspectraltoast View Post
                A cross isn't being abused. It's a dedication to values that won't bend, despite the fact you're being spit on.

                A cross would be like your dedication to Denise. Like, even if I crucify you, you can't deny that.
                I disagree about abuse not being a cross. The next three sentences are totally true and helpful though! ???

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                  #9
                  Leah: In the dark night of no Meth, learn to enjoy being totally miserable and stop looking for joy in your suffering! I am Leah the cross, the agony before Spiritual ecstasy!

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                    #10
                    I can kind of see your point. Just to stay true to yourself can be a burden and abuse, therefore, a cross. I think making a commitment to not changing has to be a part of that, though.

                    For instance, a girl who is a bitch to everyone and gets called as much isn't carrying a cross when it hurts her feelings.

                    But really I don't think Christ was being so general, though that's nice. He meant putting yourself aside and loving humanity.

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                      #11
                      Originally posted by neonspectraltoast View Post
                      I can kind of see your point. Just to stay true to yourself can be a burden and abuse, therefore, a cross. I think making a commitment to not changing has to be a part of that, though.

                      For instance, a girl who is a bitch to everyone and gets called as much isn't carrying a cross when it hurts her feelings.

                      But really I don't think Christ was being so general, though that's nice. He meant putting yourself aside and loving humanity.
                      Agreed, but I haven't made a commitment to not changing. I have found that when I start changing , it becomes demoralizing, miserable, agonizing, and simply I'm not able to function regarding sobriety.

                      I'm actually very happy most of the time on meth. I get lots of exercise, am very prayerful, I journal frequently, study, interact more with people, and when I have a job, do the job better than when sober.

                      The only times I'm truly miserable are when I'm sober. That's why it's so damn hard to quit. But it isn't that I'm not trying to change.

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                        #12
                        I understand completely. It sucks being sober and you sink into some shitty truth where everything is disconnected and people's petty opinions carry all the weight.

                        It's harder to remember to appeal to your higher self than most people realize.

                        Backwards thing is, when they put me on their meds, I can't do it, either.

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