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    Dating while trans?

    Audiogen and I were discussing this a bit on a different thread, but I think it merits its own discussion.

    First I want to make the distinction between sex and gender:

    "Sex refers to a set of biological attributes in humans and animals. It is primarily associated with physical and physiological features including chromosomes, gene expression, hormone levels and function, and reproductive/sexual anatomy. Sex is usually categorized as female or male but there is variation in the biological attributes that comprise sex and how those attributes are expressed.

    Gender refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviours, expressions and identities of girls, women, boys, men, and gender diverse people. It influences how people perceive themselves and each other, how they act and interact, and the distribution of power and resources in society. Gender identity is not confined to a binary (girl/woman, boy/man) nor is it static; it exists along a continuum and can change over time. There is considerable diversity in how individuals and groups understand, experience and express gender through the roles they take on, the expectations placed on them, relations with others and the complex ways that gender is institutionalized in society."

    A transgender person is defined as: "denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex."

    Anyway, at what point in the dating process should someone tell you they are trans? Do you have the responsibility to tell at all? What if you are transitioned to the point of it being undetectable? At what point in your surgical or whatever transition do you need to make people aware?

    Some might argue that this is private medical knowledge and that you have no obligation to say anything at all, but others might argue that you have the right to know if someone has a penis before you agree to meet up with them. I see both sides.

    A few of you mentioned in the other thread that someone has NO obligation to tell you about a physical difference (such as missing an arm or a having a micropenis) before meeting up with them. Does the same go for trans people?

    I read recently that there are innumerable biological marks for sex (it goes way beyond XX and XY)--if you think of sex as a being determined by 100s of "switches" on a switchboard, many people don't have all of the "switches" switched in one direction or the other. In fact, as many as 1 in 100 people have some kind of sex variation that they likely don't know about. Some folks have male and female reproductive organs and don't even know it until they begin having fertility issues. How many "switches" have to be flipped in different directions before you have to tell your prospective partner? If I have 100 switches, and 99 are flipped female and 1 male, do I need to tell all partners that I'm not 100% female? What about 98 and 2? 97 and 3? 50 and 50?

    So, theoretically, you could have a vagina, but be a trans MAN. But really many of your biological markers were flipped "male" the whole time and you didn't know it. Are you really trans, then? Again, this is 1 in 100 people- that isn't nothing.

    It seems smart to give people a "heads up" about your status before they agree to begin a sexual relationship with you. But I can also see where it can get more complex than people appreciate.

    What do you all think ?

    #2
    it's a tough one. as a general rule, i'd say it's probably just a good practice to be up front about most of these things (including micro penis or tiny hand). because a lot of people will just never be ok with it, and there's no point in wasting your time with them. and even if you don't tell them right away, i think in order to have a genuine relationship, you will need to tell them at some point; small secrets are ok in a relationship but something like this is probably a major part of who you are.

    but that's all just recommendation. as far as obligation, i suppose only things that will directly effect your partner. like if you have an STD, you should be obligated to tell them before having sex. if you're a male to female transition, and you have a partner that is expecting to have kids with you, i think that's a situation where it becomes obligatory. anything like that, i'd say you have to let them know; short of that i don't know that it's necessarily a requirement, but definitely a best practice.

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      #3
      Trans people need to be upfront about it early on. If they’re quiet about it for too long, they’re just leading the other person on.

      I was dating a girl for a couple months. Before we went all the way to home plate, she confessed to me she had herpes. It was nice of her to tell me before she could’ve given it to me. And this news allowed me to evaluate whether or not I wanted to keep going with her. I chose not to for more reasons than stds. Trans people need to be upfront the same way she was.

      Trans people are sterile. If their partner wants to start a family, they cannot waste time on a tranny. It’s proper etiquette to tell them for that reason.

      The dating scene will be harder if you’re trans. But not impossible. Some people have kinks for trans people.

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        #4
        You ever actually met a trans person you couldn't tell was trans?

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          #5
          Originally posted by Vanilla Gorilla View Post
          You ever actually met a trans person you couldn't tell was trans?
          how would you know if you did?

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            #6
            It is usually pretty easy to spot a trans person. The ftm are the hardest to detect

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              #7
              Point taken

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                #8
                I think those definitions are flawed. For instance, what is typically called a Gender Reveal Party would be a Sex Reveal Party because obviously you're still talking about a baby inside the womb.

                But going with the definitions...

                If gender identity takes on a mystical quality where gender does not correspond to nature, I don't really see it as much different than a religious person discussing their faith and not needing to explain it. So if I held that view, than I guess I wouldn't feel compelled to disclose it.

                Practically speaking, I think one should be upfront about being trans asap as they decided to make that the forefront of their identity, unlike the person born with the stump arm.


                Slightly tangential to the topic but since it's been a topic of contention recently elsewhere, I think anyone who thinks that a mid-50's guy transitioning to a woman is actually a woman because he mutilates his body and says so is just as ridiculous as an anti-vaxxer.
                Last edited by Audiogen; 05-21-2021, 07:55 AM.

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                  #9
                  Yeah but the fact is it's not what you see, it's how they feel so it doesn't matter that you think they're ridiculous, it's actually not about you at all, it's about them.

                  So let's say you've been trans all your life and you identify as female for 20 years, you came out younger and now you're mid 30s... Now can you really expect to admit you're male after transitioning for such a long period? That's something you've had to overcome for 20 years and now you're forced to bring all that back out? Is that fair? Could you do that to someone?

                  Personally I would want to know. Maybe not date 1, maybe not date 2.. but date 3 I kinda want to know .. if I haven't stumbled upon it after date 1

                  I don' really know how accurate plastic surgery is these days or whether a full post op sex change looks and feels like a woman, if I couldn't tell then maybe that's one thing.

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                    #10
                    And the comment up there about a trans being hard to detect is just awful, you'd actually reduce somebody to some sort of conspiracy covert fucken operational being? If that's how you actually think of people you should be disgusted in yourselves, seriously.

                    I read some pretty fucken lousy posts from you guys at times. It's disappointing.

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                      #11
                      Irm is a realityphobe.

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                        #12
                        Really has nothing to do with anything. Lol.

                        But answer the question. Are you the type of person that would force a trans person to admit that for your own insecurities?

                        If you say yes, you'd force that, you're pretty much a shit cunt. In my book. You can have a suspicion and back out, fair play. But to force someone to have to go through that. Nah, that's shit cunt behaviour and all at the price of your own insecurities.

                        But that's just me.

                        If anyone can do that to a person and stand proud and tall at the end of it, fucken good luck to ya.
                        Last edited by Irminsul; 05-21-2021, 10:40 AM.

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                          #13
                          Originally posted by Irminsul View Post
                          Really has nothing to do with anything. Lol.

                          But answer the question. Are you the type of person that would force a trans person to admit that for your own insecurities?

                          If you say yes, you'd force that, you're pretty much a shit cunt. In my book. You can have a suspicion and back out, fair play. But to force someone to have to go through that. Nah, that's shit cunt behaviour and all at the price of your own insecurities.

                          But that's just me.
                          If you were genuinely curious and open minded you wouldn't follow the question by saying you're a shit cunt if you answer a particular way.
                          Last edited by Audiogen; 05-21-2021, 10:45 AM.

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                            #14
                            And if you didn't want to be subjected to be possibly being that particular way, you'd have not deflected the question.

                            But it's cool, I have plenty of shit cunt attributes. It doesn't phase me what your answer is. Just curious to see if anyone wants to admit it. That they would legitimately, possibly crush an individual with that question just because you know, you need to know.

                            Or does that part of the question, or that reaction of the question not actually register with people. Is it more about yourselves than it is about them? Is what I am asking.

                            I have a huge gut feeling that that scenario hadn't even registered with you. But that's the realistic scenario you're dealing with and their feelings.

                            So what say you?

                            The question really isn't "should a trans person tell you they're trans" the question is "are you willing to let them hurt themselves to find out".

                            And I have a big gut feeling that for a LOT of people, that wouldn't even register and I find that sad tbh.
                            Last edited by Irminsul; 05-21-2021, 11:05 AM.

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                              #15
                              Originally posted by Irminsul View Post
                              And if you didn't want to be subjected to be possibly being that particular way, you'd have not deflected the question.

                              But it's cool, I have plenty of shit cunt attributes. It doesn't phase me what your answer is. Just curious to see if anyone wants to admit it. That they would legitimately, possibly crush an individual with that question just because you know, you need to know.

                              Or does that part of the question, or that reaction of the question not actually register with people. Is it more about yourselves than it is about them? Is what I am asking.

                              I have a huge gut feeling that that scenario hadn't even registered with you. But that's the realistic scenario you're dealing with and their feelings.

                              So what say you?
                              In regards to dating? Of course a lot of it would have to do with me.

                              Do you date people solely based on their feelings rather than your likes, preferences, values, desires, etc.?

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