I just literally laughed out loud at every joke in this thread
-
-
Why do seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay?
Because they’d be called BagelsComment
-
A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle gets caught by officials..
"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."
"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. However, before I let you go, I'm going to ask you to do one thing."
"Anything, Your Honor," the hunter replies. "What is it?"
The judge says, "It's been illegal to kill a protected species for many years, so very few people have ever eaten a bald eagle. For the record, can you please tell everyone what a bald eagle tastes like?"
The hunter thinks for a moment and then replies, "It tastes pretty good. Kind of like a cross between a spotted owl and a condor."
Comment
-
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I'm in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.Comment
-
-
What do you call a Japanese sociopath who is unaffected by the death of one of his victims?
UnbereavableComment
-
Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject.Comment
-
When does a regular joke turn into a dad joke?
When it says it's just going out for groceries and never comes backComment
-
What animal has 5 legs?
Your pit bull after you left it alone with your baby to answer the door for the pizza delivery guyComment
-
A carrot and an apple go for a wild ride in a convertible. A slick spot around a corner cause the vehicle to go out of control and slam into a truck.
When the apple regains consciousness, he's in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "You've survived a bad accident and you're in the hospital now".
Apple: "What about my friend the carrot?"
Doctor: "I've got good news and bad news."
Apple: "What's the good news?"
Doctor: "He's survived."
Apple: "What's the bad news?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.""I like big butts and I can not lie"
- Johann Wolfgang von GoetheComment
-
For sale---- complete set of Britannica,74 volumes, good condition,£1000 ono.
no longer needed, got married, wife knows everything!Comment
-
A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."Comment
-
When do you kick a midget in the balls?
When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nicemother moon -she's calling me back to her silver womb,
father of creation -takes me from my stolen tomb
seventh-advent unicorn is waiting in the skies,
a symptom of the universe, a love that never dies! 🧙♂️Comment
-
I went to a beekeeper to buy twelve bees yesterday. He gave me thirteen, so I told him, you've given me one extra!
He said, "that's a freebie"
Comment
-
The FBI in America sent a photograph of a wanted criminal.
The photo was in three poses – front face and two sideshots. They said: “We believe this criminal is in Ireland, keep a lookout for him.”
Two weeks later the Irish police sent back a message to the FBI, with the photograph, which read: “We got the fella in the middle but we’re still looking for the other two!”
Comment
Comment