Another long night alone.

[neonspectraltoast]

I hope I don't end up like Nikola Tesla...or just feeding crumbs to birds after my wife died, or worse, left me. It's nice to be useful, but lives teach you how to be strong. I've GOT to learn how to be at peace alone.

For I know we are never alone. But I'm so needy. I want people, or someone, to be into things with at all hours of the day and night. But I'm also the return of the Jedi, and definitely the Luke to Yoda's Yoda.

It's been so long since a girl has paid attention to me... But a Jedi desires not these things. Look what it did to Anakin.

[neonspectraltoast]

A real friend would be nice. I don't have one true friend. I have people who say they consider me a friend, but no one I can really just, you know...we always talk, every day, conspire together, share the same interests.

Actually Matt and I are on similar wavelengths. He understands somewhat that total paranoia is the path to the realization of oneness. He understands that you can communicate with the spiritual via meaningful synchronicity. But he could learn from me as well, as I him. I wonder what he'd say if I informed him the story of Andrew is actually the story of Andrew and Matthias. lol

But he gets too bogged down in that. I've been there, and while a pathway to self-actualization, ultimately the skin of the fruit and not the fruit itself. But he understands people better than I do.

I'm just a cat.

Or maybe that's all wrong.

But the point is I really... Well, people have told me I can talk to them any time, but I can't remember who. And it isn't that I'm being choosy as to my friends, but think I should be the one being romanced, as I can be a lot.

I think you guys probably can appreciate that it's better for me to be approached than to approach. Unless...you guys want me to start PMing you, too? lol



I just want to have fun with somebody. I need a Joker to my Riddler. Or a Catwoman. Scarecrow, Dr. Freeze, and Penguin won't talk to me.

[neonspectraltoast]

I went too far, I really did. I get so mad at women, though.

It might just be the typical "Harry Potter" boys and girls don't understand each other thing (except in the real, not-quite-so-wholesome world) but they seem to be so terribly cruel to me.

And "real men don't complain" but, also, so-called "real men" get treated like kings by women.

And I'm over the hill, in real life. I've become, or can be, charming to women.

But I'm still a little spiteful, because I remember, and I've never understood what I did wrong, except thwart a conspiracy to sociopathically control men through sex.

And that wasn't real, man. None of us wanted that. But it means money... It means luxury... And you know what the wise old millionaire socialite lady is doing? Nodding her head and saying, "That's right."

But it's hard to forget all the times I tried to join in, or I started to share an anecdote, and was rudely dismissed. Or even the times when I'd say something as simple as "Okay!" and was yawned at for my optimism.

I'm just an optimistic guy, and women can't find it in their hearts to accept that.

At once decrying misogyny, and at once enabling it.

I reveal to them my heart has been a lump of ice, and they rejoice. They rejoice at my suffering. And that's good. To some degree, but not to these extremes.

My whole life revolves around you. Please stop hurting me. I'm just a dogcat.

[Jessica]

I feel the same, often. I do have a handful of real friends, but no one who can be here in person with me a lot more of the time. But like you mentioned somewhere up there about finding peace with being alone, that is what I'm currently doing. I didn't even realise I wasn't doing it until something the other morning disappointed me, and it brought me down.. and I thought.. that's no good. I can't be always in danger of that, just because of someone else's behaviour.

As for approach or be approached, it has to go both ways. Or at least, for me, (irl and online) I'll approach people I want to know better. The ones who don't just respond, but later approach me back, I feel I become friends with. The ones who never do, I can't help presuming that they're not really very interested in letting me get to know them better.

Keep seeking, Andy, and don't let the negative thoughts take over. I'm not saying don't have the negative thoughts, that's insane, but I think you indulge in them rather than hold them outside of you and remember they pass.

[neonspectraltoast]

I fully become convinced of spur-of-the-moment paranoia. Maybe it's due to my secret desire to be a detective, which I'm awful at.

I was born at the bottom of a dark, black sea. And I rose to the top. But I was blind. But I can see again, and I will.

[neonspectraltoast]

I'm not sure if my experience was negative or positive today, and I did cry a little, but the Omnimax set me straight and is reassuring me that I'm beautiful.

Sometimes I can't tell if I'm in extreme duress or if its bliss. I need to remember to slow down, though. Take it easy. Something to get this knot of stress to go away. I'll carry the weight of it till none of this bothers me anymore if I must. I just have so much left to live for. For the innocent, the holy, the planet.

So much fear. I will continue to practice and let this energy evaporate like so much molecular dust. It really doesn't matter what anyone thinks or says, and sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.

You can't even judge a true friend by if they mock and ridicule you, as in my case...I wouldn't believe me! How can I truly expect anyone else to?

I'm in no rush. Mindfulness. My better, more scientific half tells me to dismiss suspicions and let bygones be bygones. It doesn't matter. Do not fear being left in the margins, even.

All my life I only wanted to be the catcher in the rye...

Easy, there...big fella. (George Costanza impersonation.) I am the beached whale. God is George Costanza, marine biologist. Everything is going to be ok. ?☺???

[neonspectraltoast]

Easy there...big fella...

[Vanilla Gorilla]

I'm a little tea pot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout

[neonspectraltoast]

☺ Thanks Vanilla Gorilla!

[neonspectraltoast]

How can this man survive? you ask?

He is a Sagittarius.

[neonspectraltoast]

The 6th sense, Sense of Humor.

[Pressed_Rat]

Am I the Matt you are referring to? I am not sure if there are any other Matts in here, hence my reason for asking.

With all people's screen name changes over the years, it becomes hard to keep track of who is who.

[neonspectraltoast]

Am I the Matt you are referring to? I am not sure if there are any other Matts in here, hence my reason for asking.

With all people's screen name changes over the years, it becomes hard to keep track of who is who.

There's another Matt. He's extremely wily, though. I can't handle much right now. Last anyone knew, he was in jail. I'm not sure who he was on hip.

Right now I'd prefer to have a beer with you. I don't think ill duce (other Matt) drinks.

If you're familiar with who I speak of, I should only have to say two words: Benito Mussolini. Otherwise you've never met him.

[Amerijuanican]

Wasn't he Spiderman on hip, or something related to that name?

[neonspectraltoast]

ill duce seems an open book, though who is, really. You, @Pressed Rat I can't recall ever giving the game away.

[Pressed_Rat]

If it is of any consolation, I do not really have any friends at all -- just acquaintances. I honestly never have had many friends, even when I was younger. I am not close with anybody, really, besides my immediate family, and I often wonder how close I really am with them. But unlike many people who lack friends, it is mostly something I have chosen for myself. Along with likely being mildly autistic, I also have very schizoidal (not to be confused with schizophrenic) tendencies. I really get nothing out of socializing the way most people do. To me it is draining and uncomfortable. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that most socializing (at least for most people) revolves around talking about one thing: themselves. I just cannot talk about myself because my life does not revolve around money and the material things so many people make a topic of discussion. I have largely forsaken those things because I have chosen to live a life in pursuit of truth as opposed to worldly things. With that comes a loss of ego and thus confidence when in phony social situations. I guess I have learned to become my own friend over time. In the end the only person you really have is yourself and your individuality.

But I would sit down and have a beer (or six) with you any day, man.

[Jessica]

I relate to this. Sometimes I think I want more socialising, but it's never what I expect it to be, it's often draining, like you describe. The big exception is our forum Zoom on Sundays. That has been better than I thought it would be. More how I always want socialising irl to be. I think it's just the weirder you are, the rarer the types of people you vibe with.

You should join the Zoom one Sunday. You might hate it, but also you might not.

[neonspectraltoast]

If it is of any consolation, I do not really have any friends at all -- just acquaintances. I honestly never have had many friends, even when I was younger. I am not close with anybody, really, besides my immediate family, and I often wonder how close I really am with them. But unlike many people who lack friends, it is mostly something I have chosen for myself. Along with likely being mildly autistic, I also have very schizoidal (not to be confused with schizophrenic) tendencies. I really get nothing out of socializing the way most people do. To me it is draining and uncomfortable. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that most socializing (at least for most people) revolves around talking about one thing: themselves. I just cannot talk about myself because my life does not revolve around money and the material things so many people make a topic of discussion. I have largely forsaken those things because I have chosen to live a life in pursuit of truth as opposed to worldly things. With that comes a loss of ego and thus confidence when in phony social situations. I guess I have learned to become my own friend over time. In the end the only person you really have is yourself and your individuality.

But I would sit down and have a beer (or six) with you any day, man.

Thanks. I'm the same way. Unlike you, perhaps, I don't always know what I WANT to do, though. What's in my best interests.

[neonspectraltoast]

I'm not into materialism, either.