I know some people get a bit weird about the concept of making eye contact, and seem to file it in the same category as making small talk, or chatting to strangers. And I do understand that it can be troubling for autistic people - I actually consider it one of my "slightly autism-y" traits, that I haven't always found it easy to make eye contact.
But I think society could benefit from more of it.
I'm not talking about making forced, sustained eye contact, that's weird. But throughout interactions, especially during things like transactions with strangers in shops etc. making natural eye contact makes a big difference to how those transactions feel.
Sometimes when I'm at work, I will sell something to a customer who does not look up at my face even once. They'll be looking down at whatever they're buying on the counter, or to their wallet, then down at the money in their hand, at the change I give them.. anywhere but up at the face of the person they're interacting with. I have also been the customer, and experienced it from the shopkeeper.
And I don't know for sure, but having come to this realisation, and knowing how I used to be and feel, I think I was probably one of these people. But making a conscious point of eye contact doesn't take long before it feels very natural. Come to the counter, put the object down, look the person in the eye. Look down to find wallet/cash/card, look up and make eye contact, look away to put the item in your bag or whatever, say goodbye with eye contact. Like, it only has to be a two second glance, but the difference is noticeable. And now because I do it, I see how often the other person has their eyes fixed downwards, avoiding it.
And when the person returns it, I see a kind of flash of light in their face because we're not scared of each other, we've connected in this tiny but interestingly important way.
Another scenario, and one I still find difficult, is walking along the street and seeing someone else walking the opposite way, towards me. As I get closer, my urge is to glance to the side, away from the side they will pass me on, or down, or straight ahead. There is a feeling that accompanies this, of slight awkwardness.
What I've discovered is that if I overcome it, and go to make eye contact as we pass, almost all of the time I don't have to worry anyway because they are avoiding in the way I usually do. The times where both of you look, and just make that brief connection, almost all of the time we both smile and there is no awkwardness, just a pleasant warmth of feeling.
And the more I've thought about this and observed it, the more I think it's something we should all do more of. I hope at least that this post will encourage you to notice what your level of eye contact avoidance is. Because I was worse at it when I was more socially insecure, but I think that getting better actually has helped me to feel more confident, rather than the confidence coming first.
But I think society could benefit from more of it.
I'm not talking about making forced, sustained eye contact, that's weird. But throughout interactions, especially during things like transactions with strangers in shops etc. making natural eye contact makes a big difference to how those transactions feel.
Sometimes when I'm at work, I will sell something to a customer who does not look up at my face even once. They'll be looking down at whatever they're buying on the counter, or to their wallet, then down at the money in their hand, at the change I give them.. anywhere but up at the face of the person they're interacting with. I have also been the customer, and experienced it from the shopkeeper.
And I don't know for sure, but having come to this realisation, and knowing how I used to be and feel, I think I was probably one of these people. But making a conscious point of eye contact doesn't take long before it feels very natural. Come to the counter, put the object down, look the person in the eye. Look down to find wallet/cash/card, look up and make eye contact, look away to put the item in your bag or whatever, say goodbye with eye contact. Like, it only has to be a two second glance, but the difference is noticeable. And now because I do it, I see how often the other person has their eyes fixed downwards, avoiding it.
And when the person returns it, I see a kind of flash of light in their face because we're not scared of each other, we've connected in this tiny but interestingly important way.
Another scenario, and one I still find difficult, is walking along the street and seeing someone else walking the opposite way, towards me. As I get closer, my urge is to glance to the side, away from the side they will pass me on, or down, or straight ahead. There is a feeling that accompanies this, of slight awkwardness.
What I've discovered is that if I overcome it, and go to make eye contact as we pass, almost all of the time I don't have to worry anyway because they are avoiding in the way I usually do. The times where both of you look, and just make that brief connection, almost all of the time we both smile and there is no awkwardness, just a pleasant warmth of feeling.
And the more I've thought about this and observed it, the more I think it's something we should all do more of. I hope at least that this post will encourage you to notice what your level of eye contact avoidance is. Because I was worse at it when I was more socially insecure, but I think that getting better actually has helped me to feel more confident, rather than the confidence coming first.
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