So, there's a certain thread...

[neonspectraltoast]

I know better than to read any more of.

No matter how direct I put it, some of you will simply not take my word for it. And I know this thread is dumb, but why should I entertain any arguments to me not being what I say I am.

I know this may pain some of you greatly, but my life is exceptionally fucked up. Yes, I'm one of "those" abuse victims.

We can keep going around in circles if you want to, or you can give me a break. I'm messed up. Wanting to make friends and having you guys think that's dumb isn't helping.

No, I will not be reading responses here unless they come from someone I trust not to try and lecture me.

You guys ain't perfect either.

And maybe I'm off the mark and you finally did realize I just need kindness, but I doubt it. I'm really not that difficult of a person.

[Matthew Mussolini]

If you ever want to talk via phone or something you can call from a private number.

Some people say you want attention and don't seriously want to follow through with any attempt.

Even if you do things as a stunt for attention, it makes no difference to me really.

You are suffering and struggle with not wanting to be alive.

Were there a way I could offer comforting words I would or if I could offer a sacrifice for you to be happy, I would.

100 years from now you will be happy and none of this bullshit will matter.

For now you have a heavy cross to carry. You will be rewarded for your pain. A resurrection follows the Crucifixion.

You have emptiness in this life because you are more rich in the next. Those rejected by the world are often favored by God.

If the world loves and accepts you, you will find less favor with God. The world despises what is not it's own. The world doesn't want you happy . You are a foreigner in a strange land.

Defiantly choose to be happy anyway. We are as happy as we choose to be.

Stay close to God and start making phone calls to look into a group home and financial help as well.

Do you have a caseworker?

[SpaceMan]

so we're past the "blame my medications" stage and onto the "blame my problems on someone else" stage ?

[neonspectraltoast]

And, scrolling quickly past SpaceMan's presumed negativity...

No Matthew Mussolini I don't have a caseworker.

I just feel so unloved at times. I'm not feeling that way now, though.

People that don't go through mental illness just can't understand. My mind habitually tortures me, tells me the worst is happening...

I try really, really hard to do the right thing, always. Which isn't easy at all when your mind is simultaneously awash in fear and paranoia.

Yesterday was a low point for me. I don't know where my head was if I ever do.

Don't try to pin me down as suicidal, though, cause I'm not. Not that I don't need to be taken seriously, either.

It's just an existential struggle. I don't know where the wrong impression of myself stems from, but I can't really say I have a father, not in any true form of the word. I didn't have anyone to give me the slightest guidance...not even of how to love myself, in fact perhaps least of all how to love myself.

But this thread wasn't meant for me to have a therapy session. I just wanted some people here to realize that they ought to shut up.

I hate know-it-alls. And I'm not gonna argue in circles with people who try and say they know what my intentions are when all I know is that I'm trying to do the right thing. I don't even remember most of my life, so spare me all the details of how it is.

Seriously, some of you I see you've commented or mentioned me and I just hit Dismiss now, because I know it's nothing constructive but just someone trying to point fingers and blame.

I am not to blame for my condition. I was abused. B.o.o.h.o.o. yes I know you're jealous of the dumbest shit.

Am I proud of what I endured and survived? I'm not sure. But it's like asking a guy whose leg was blown off by a truck side bomb to walk normal and quit making excuses. Reality isn't an excuse. I'm not asking for pity and it would suck to ask for appreciation. But if I'm proud of being a tough little shit, sorry, that's mine, cause I been there. And surviving itself can be an accomplishment.

[neonspectraltoast]

I asked my mental health professionals twice for a case worker who has never contacted me.

So I'll ask again. I'm not sure what a case worker does, though -- can she help me find housing?

I talked to my landlord...I think he was just worried I was some asshole who would feltch out of paying what I owe him, but I assured him I'm not. I am disabled, pains me as a man to admit it though it does, but I won't ever be mistaken for dishonest or disloyal.

I don't know what is physically wrong with me. I'm pretty sure it stems from abuse, but physically my body ain't right. I can't really describe it, either. Which just makes it harder to deal with.

[neonspectraltoast]

And I'm too masculine (laugh all you want) to really let it show. Though I have been asked why I blink so compulsively.

[SpaceMan]

have you painted up your face today?

that always seems to cheer you up

[Jessica]

Andy, you're awesome. That's all.

[Matthew Mussolini]

have you painted up your face today?

that always seems to cheer you up

I've painted up my face a total of twice in my life. It was because someone at this forum mailed me some Joker stuff.

You act like it's common for me to do that or run around dressed like a cartoon character.

For the person who mailed me the Joker attire and paint, I can't thank them enough for their generosity and support, but you talk about it like it's common for me to express myself that way , or like I run around the Twin Cities or attend treatment looking like a cartoon Character. You are mistaken.

[neonspectraltoast]

Just start flagging SpaceMan for harassment I'll Duce. He's either got to stop or he's got to go.