Relationship Priorities

[Guest]

I have a cat. He's almost 9 years old. I haven't made the best choices during our time together and I really regret it. I spent so much time away that he ended up adopting himself into a new household. Which I completely understand.

My ex and I have a fucked up relationship. He was the reason why I spent so much time away, because I was with him all the time. And now we're reconnecting, kind of, and he wants me to visit him. He can't come to my house because of my living situation, he understands this.

We were talking on the phone the other day. He asked when I was coming down. I said well I go back to work on Tuesday, I can come over then. He challenges this. "Why don't you just come over now?" heavy on the whine. He knows I'm not working so I have time. When we first met, I would make the 2+ hour journey to his house no problem. I'm older now, I really don't have the patience to go back and forth like that just to go hang out. And I feel bad leaving my cat. So I told him this, I feel guilty leaving Weasley. He got so mad. "a cat?? Really? Why can you just say things and that's how it is?" I was like.. Excuse me? Me telling you how I feel is "telling things how they are?" I don't fucking understand that sentence. Yes, me tell you my feelings is how it is. He says "but I want you to come over" and I say no. He says "why do you always get to dictate the way things are" I said "dude you are trying to CONTROL me and get me to do what you want without considering MY feelings. It's Tuesday or nothing." and then idk he went off about something and I said I had to go and that was it.

So. My question is, how would you feel if someone you liked said they feel bad leaving their animal and would prioritize a 2+ hour trip to see you when it was convenient for them?

I have suggested he come up here and we could go out and hang out for the day, and he has not, and will never do that, but expects me to come down on a whim, his whim, and disrupt my whole life.

[Meliai]

when I was younger, like teens and early 20s, I probably would have gotten upset and insecure and thought they were just using the cat as an excuse not to see me

But at some point everyone has to grow out of that sort of mentality, or they should at least. It doesnt really matter what the reason is, if someone wants to do their own thing they should be able to without the guilt trip.

If this is the same ex you've talked about before then I'm admittedly biased against him, but it definitely comes across as controlling on his part. And like he expects you to put in all the effort without any effort on his part

[Undies]

I would be more concerned if I liked someone and she thought it was ok to just abandon her pet whenever she felt like traveling on a whim.

Amazing point

[lode]

I'm conflicted. I feel OP is completely valid in wanting to have agency with her own free time. But from my experience cats don't need much more attention than plants.

[Jessica]

maybe it's not about what the cat needs, it's about a type of relationship with him fae wants.

[Amerijuanican]

Cats are different, just like humans.
If I leave mine alone long, I get the cold treatment for the day. Won't sleep in my bed, etc.
And some other cats wouldn't care.

[Jessica]

i knew a guy once who i always did the travelling for. not that i regret it but i don't think that's a good dynamic, and it's one that you kind of don't notice and seems harmless. but unless there is an obvious definite reason like one half of the relationship is in prison, there should be a roughly equal split in who is travelling the distance to meet up. and if he doesn't understand you wanting to be there for your cat, to hell with him man.

[eggsprog]

Even without the cat in play, a spontaneous 4+ hour round trip the day before you go back to work is reason enough to not want to go.

[Tropical Breeze]

Just show up guns blazing and you won't have to worry about it anymore. ?

[Vanilla Gorilla]

Can you teach the cat to drive?

[Guest]

Thank you guys for your responses, I am going to relay this when possible

Yeah like my feelings?? Valid?? Gonna log that into the memory banks for further clarification

[Vanilla Gorilla]

Anyway, you have to work your tail off in college so you never have to be dependant on any guy ever again

Vg what if I told you I was too stupid to actually graduate from college

[Vanilla Gorilla]

You are doing sociology or something like that arent you?

dont worry, many dumb people pass those kind of degeees, you will be fine

That's the terrifying part

[Sooz]

What you should look at doing is doing the degree as a part time thing so that you can work on one or two subjects at a time.

[Amerijuanican]

when I was younger, like teens and early 20s, I probably would have gotten upset and insecure and thought they were just using the cat as an excuse not to see me

But at some point everyone has to grow out of that sort of mentality, or they should at least. It doesnt really matter what the reason is, if someone wants to do their own thing they should be able to without the guilt trip.

If this is the same ex you've talked about before then I'm admittedly biased against him, but it definitely comes across as controlling on his part. And like he expects you to put in all the effort without any effort on his part

Me and ex used to have halloween parties w/ people @ work.
One dude she knew better than she needed to, every year said he couldn't make it because his favorite cat died.
The last year we were together, when her friend told us that I said "sure is a good thing those furry little fuckers have nine lives, isn't it!"
Silence. I walked away laughing.

[Parakeet]

I'm conflicted. I feel OP is completely valid in wanting to have agency with her own free time. But from my experience cats don't need much more attention than plants.

Well not my cat. I had one of my 2 cats die last Feb. They were together 14 years. My remaining cat suffers from separations anxiety from losing her best friend. Cats get a bit more needy emotionally as they get older.

[Undies]

it seems like cats have a greater variety in personalities. dogs have personalities, but they're all dog personalities anyway. with cats, you have no idea what you're going to get until you've lived together for a while.