How do you deal with shame?

[Matthew Mussolini]

So, I'm a bit ashamed of how I dealt with someone talking shit on Christmas.

It was dark and I couldn't even see who the guy was and it was after 12:00 AM so technically the day after Christmas.

But my response was hateful and with rage, plus a hatred for his ethnicity welled up in my heart, (when technically I couldn't see the guy so I don't exactly know his ethnicity with certainty.)

I just knew it was a loud obnoxious person with that accent talking in ebonics, but white people where I live have accents and talk in ebonics too.

I use the N word to describe myself as well because I don't consider it a word to describe hard working , law abiding, productive, or educated articulate members of society, so I of all people should not criticize anyone.

I keep a shrine to Malcolm X who became a fearless , educated, noble-minded martyr at the end of his life, killed by black Muslims for exposing the bad behavior within the nation of Islam , and telling blacks the Democratic party is just as racist as conservatives, conservatives are just more honest.

So, my racist behavior is total betrayal of Malcolm X and Emperor Haile Selassie who I have enshrined as well as Saint Martin De Porres.

Nafisa Joseph is my Saint Joseph for modern times , and I have enshrined her with her close relative, Nobel peace prize winner Tagore, who was Mussolini's favorite author.

I love Gandhi as well. They weren't black, but still, dark Indians who would be offended by my behavior.

I visit a shrine on Capitol Hill which is for people of color and pray for their exaltation, beauty, power, glory, perfection, and eternal euphoria in the next life.

I pray to my best friend's brother who was shot and killed last July 29, (Mussolini's birthday ironically). What would he or his brother think?

I thought any type of racist remarks from myself or hate speech was a long gone thing of the past.

It is true that most of the abrasive behavior, racial slurs, harassment, and loud obnoxious behavior I deal with comes from black people, but I also live with the impoverished, addicted, and unemployable. In other areas of TC I'm sure it's not like that.

I have too many faults to be casting the first stone.

When I panhandle, a lot of donations came from ethnic minorities. It isn't fair to them to have hate speech. Not fair to my best friend who is black, made me Christmas dinner, gave me a bike.

So, I'm ashamed of myself.

Part of what I take pride in is being transparent more than most. I don't hide my inner leprosy or demons like average people do.

My hatred (though I shouldn't hate) is towards loud obnoxious people that are selfish, harass others, bite the hand that feeds them, have no gratitude, are hypocritical, chronic gossipers, and have no human decency or compassion for others.

Such people come in all genders, sexual orientation, political leanings, occupations, Intelligence Quotients, Religions, ethnic backgrounds etc.

My ancestors on my moms side are Slavs, where the term slave and slob comes from. They have a reputation for being less civilized than a lot of groups. Vermin.

Anyway, God or someone up there is testing me. I failed.

It was the best Christmas present Santa could give , because no present is better than being taught a lesson that makes you a more humble person and less of a hypocrite.

Any thoughts?

[Matthew Mussolini]

[Jessica]

i keep telling myself that what i was or did is not definitive of who i am, that i am the ability to choose differently
if i can, i apologise to whoever i was a dick too or negatively affected (not apologising definitely makes it harder to move past shame)
then i move forward being someone i am not ashamed of and wait for time to fade the negative emotional sensation

if i've made that sound easy i don't mean to. it's just something i've struggled with, so I've spent a lot of time thinking about how to get over it and have honed it to these bullet points.

for when you can't apologise to anyone, it's worth remembering that the people you offend are probably not thinking about it as much as you are.

[Matthew Mussolini]

Prayer:

Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Nafisa Joseph, Emperor Haile Selassie, Gandhi, Tagore, Emperor Hirohito, and all you Kami I pray to who are of a different color than I, I thank you for exposing my errors.

I can be a hateful person and a bigot when wronged by a black person.

Remind me that my best friend is black and it isn't fair to him.

Remind me of my two African American probation officers and how kind they were when I screwd up. Remind me of the black brothers who came to my defense when I was being threatened and harrassed in jail.

Remind me that most of my donations while panhandling came from ethnic minorities.

Purge my heart of bigotry and hate , in Jesus name!

[GLEN......]

I Don't Do Anything "Shamefull".......That Way I Don't Have To Deal With Shame......Simple Really....



Cheers Glen.

[Pete's Draggun]

About 40 years ago, I immediately walked out of a shameful comment towards me and waited in my dad's car.

About 35 years ago, I immediately walked out of another shameful comment and literally walked home.

About 10 years ago, I immediately walked out of a shameful discussion and drove home.

I guess I immediately up and leave when I'm shamed in some way or fashion.