Jokes !

[mallyboppa]

Lets hear Em ?
I pulled a gypsy bird last night and she asked if i wanted to go back to hers for a good time

She wasn't kidding.

I went on the dodgems, the waltzers and the ghost train and came home with a goldfish!

[mallyboppa]

An ugly chick came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?"
I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else"
She said,"When I die I'm gonna come back as a dog!"
I said,"You're not listening !"

[mallyboppa]

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
£3

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 30 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs £3 and you have 3 beers a day
which puts your spending each month at £270.
In one year, it would be approximately £3,240 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend £3,240 not accounting for
inflation, the past 30 years puts your spending
at £97,200 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer,
that money could have been put in a step-up
interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 30 years, you
could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your bloody Ferrari then?

[Tropical Breeze]

She spent it all on shoes.

[mallyboppa]

Cockpit announcement

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a uneventful flight.
So, sit back, relax, and... OH...MY GOD!"

Silence followed.......

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you, whilst I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap, you should see the front of my trousers!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus you should see the back of mine!"

[mallyboppa]

A guy goes to his pharmacy and asks for a pack of Viagra.

"Do you have a prescription?" the pharmacist asks.

"No, but here's a picture of my wife," he replied.

[mallyboppa]

I went to Thailand and came so close to sleeping with a lady boy. She looked like a girl talked like a girl even walked like a girl. It wasn't until she reversed the car perfectly into the car space I thought hang on a second.

[Amerijuanican]

A young man was sifting through some junk @ an outdoor flea market. He found an interesting piece, looked like an oil lamp or something.
He couldn't help but notice the very smooth finish on it. As he rubbed the lamp, to his shock a Genie popped out of it.

"for releasing me from my prison, I grant you three wishes..."
So he said "okay, First I wants to be white". "Second, I wants to be tall and thin, instead of short and chubby".
"and Third, I wants to be surrounded by pussy".

And the Genie turned him into a Tampon.

Of course, there was a string attached...

Seems it became an Inside Joke.

[mallyboppa]

Little Jonny, Suzie and Mohamed are at playtime at their primary school.

Afterwards the teacher asks Jonny, what did you do at break, I played in the sand box with Suzie miss was his reply, spell Sand and I will give you a sweetie.

She then turns to Suzie and asks what she did at break, I played in the sand box with Jonny miss was her reply, spell Box and I will give you a sweetie.

She lastly turns to Mohamed and asks what did you do at break time ?

I tried to play in the sand box with Jonny and Suzie but they wouldn't let me was his reply.

That's blatant racial discrimination said the teacher, spell discrimination and I will give you a sweetie !!!

[mallyboppa]

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

[mallyboppa]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted,
"Oi you! What's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes!! Now fuck off you twat cunt

[mallyboppa]

3 little pigs

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials
for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, Fuck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

[mallyboppa]

Viagra is now available in powder form for your cup of tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuits from going soft.