Caffiene is an addictive drug and my reputation sucks! :-(

[Matthew Mussolini]

Caffeine is an addictive stimulant that guaranteed , more money is spent on Caffeine products everywhere in a year than Cocaine, Heroin, and Meth combined.

Are you sure you wish to let this chemical hold you in bondage?

I would recommend Yerba Mate. Or green tea because of the high antioxidants content. I also find the come down from large amounts of caffeine is worse than the comedown from Meth in my opinion. (I'm not talking about withdrawal from Meth addiction. That lasts weeks and is hell. But following a large amount of any stimulant , there is a crash where you feel tired and crummy and unmotivated. Large amounts of caffeine make me feel terrible.)

Now, Caffeine addiction is better than Meth addiction, alcohol addiction, and I don't know about nicotene addiction. I chew nicotene gum with caffeine while hitting the meth pipe so I call it the "Holy Trinity" because it's a Triune of Stimulants that are relatively harmless if you don't abuse them.

This forum sadly doesn't know the sober Mattsturbator. Maybe when I get sober I won't be ill anymore and will change my name. For now, I am ill, mentally , emotionally, spiritually, (but Doctor says not physically).

Second question and topic for this thread

Is my reputation redeemable?

I don't give a shit about reputation with anyone other than Kami and brave soldiers of Yasukuni Shrine who gave their lives in the most brave acts of Kamikaze missions
, suicide banzai bayonet charges into machine gun fire , and thus achieved eternal treasures and honorable death, securing eternal life (if you haven't seen them in action, watch this:

as a divinity with the Imperial Spirits, the enlightened Buddhas, the Pharoah's , and the Caesars like Il Duce, who all Japanese people, politicians, and priesthood pay homage to dept for the ones who are butthurt about the war criminals enshrined there.

War criminals need love too.

Yes, you lose friends and chicks don't dig it other than the Virgin Mary, The Capitol Hill Queens, and Amaterasu the sun Divinity. Those are the women whose beauty never fades and is not deceptive charm or fleeting fragile vanity.

My current prostitute friend and I are not on good terms because she has double standards and gets vicious that I have feelings for other women (while she has many dicks in her and not once have I objected to it or felt jealous like Yahweh not wanting Israel to prostitute herself to other gods).

But my point is, I don't care about reputation on this forum or anywhere among mortals. A little bit perhaps, but obviously I would not have started 20 threads about Mussolini and Fascism, mentioned I'm an altruistic compassionate guy who wants to ravage and kill people, if this was a popularity contest or I was trying to be accepted.

But just for giggles and shits in the stoners lounge, could my reputation at this forum ever be redeemed or is it like humpdee Dumpdee falling from a great wall, unable to be put back together again.

I'll let you know, when I'm sober I rarely post and it's coherent and is not weird because I'm suffering too much to post worthless words. Everything sober comes from the heart and isn't meth speaking sermons.

When I'm sober I don't look at porn or masturbate or post pictures of beastly the Bishop (Dick), I just know I'm hung more than a Kenyan. (If it's true blacks are more hung than white's, how come I was in prison with a black majority, we all were forced to shower together, and it was mine everyone was ranting about. I encourage anyone at this forum to enter into a contest with me. I'd be the Chief Administrator if size meant something. )

When I'm sober I don't even hardly ever get sexually aroused or it's an inappropriate erection that shouldn't be there because I'm not horny that much, more into things like wisdom, enlightenment, eloquent Vocabulary, and courage, and see the carnal temptations and passions as being immature and impure.

When I'm sober I don't spend all night in cemeteries praying to dead people and getting charged with Kami. Were I sober , my wall wouldn't look like this:


I refuse to take the pictures down for fear of offending the Duce, but it is a heavy cross to carry every time I invite an ethnic minority into my home and they see that shit and mistaken it for being "White Power".

I had one of my black drug dealers used to do the Fascist salute and yell "White Power" when he saw me. My best friend is black and I live in a black neighborhood but I also have shrines to Malcolm X , Kuljeet Randhawa, Nafisa Joseph, and Emperor Haile Selassie and can prove Benito Mussolini condemned white power and his favorite visitors who left the biggest impression on him were dark Indians (Tagore + Gandhi).

But the images are there to raise my morale ( and I had a dream last night that I was collecting action figures of Benito Mussolini and someone came through my window and said there has been a breach in the security of my home. .]

In the dream he said "He said "Why Matthew, You're gonna get jumped"?

I responded, " they work like crucifixes to protect me from the Antichrist and Communists. I also asked the store clerk where I could get an action figure of Lia [both what I named the state and the name of the first spouse of the first Mussolini in the book of Genesis. Lia in Scripture is represented by the moon, Mussolini is the sun, and their children are the stars. Lia was the name of the girl I asked to marry me, then jumped off a building over and spent 10 weeks in a wheel chair, went limping back to her in another failed attempt to win her affections. Are there any dream interpreters here].

There is actually a smidgen of truth to that statement. Fascist Propaganda and images of the Caesar, ( who I believe to be the Benevolent Dictator of Heaven,) raise my morale, energize me, empower, inspire me, and speak a thousand words.

So, unless your soul is clothed in splendor like the purest lillies of the field or you have a smokin masterpiece of God body like niftypebble21 ( that also speaks 1,000 words), or you're Mother Teresa of Calcutta, or unless you are wise, Fuck Off!

Anyway, my question is this. Can Humptee Dumptee's reputation be put back together or is this just a hopeless case?

[Matthew Mussolini]

Let me put it to you like this. My Mother was a leftist, liberal, hardcore feminist internal medicine Doctor growing up. She lives, showers, cooks, and sleeps at her clinic and hires a babysitter and I had no Father. With mommy issues and exposure to pornography at age 8 I was having fantasies of strangling, ravaging, and dismembering girls in my classroom by age 10, beating off in class in a hole in my pocket while gazing at them with the evil eye.

One of my teachers asked if I had snakes in my pants and I responded. Nah, just beatin off!

My mother pescribed me Adderall and my brother said she even put drugs in our cereal in the morning. I don't know if it's true. What I know is she prescribed me Ambien when I was 11 years old. All I knew is it gave me the giggles, made everything on TV fun to watch, made everyone have goofy faces, and made everything a comedy.

Drugs have been my Goddess and everything my life centered on since age 11. I'd never prostitute myself for drugs because I'd not enjoy the high were I to obtain the drugs that way, but stealing and panhandling was okay with my conscience.

So, screw taking Ambien at night. I'd take it at school and everyone's company was enjoyable and everyone looked like a clown. Beating off in study hall was more fun, and I could tell girls how I feel about them with statements such as "I want to smash your head with a crobar" and such.

One girl told her boyfriend and he started acting tough and saying "Dude, you wanna kill my girlfriend". I said, "I want to kill you too and shoot up this whole fuckin school." He responded with a smile and didn't do shit.

But if a poster at your forum has been using drugs since age 11 ( and just disappears from the forum and sleeps when he isn't gacked out on Tina), how can you say you really know who he is?

Meth becomes you.

There is the reason they call it "Under the influence" and why alcohol is called "Spirits". Meth has "Spirits" to, and they "Influence you". They don't make me do stupid things like the alcohol did, but still I surrender control to another entity that changes my behavior completely.

I tried her first when I was fifteen and knew I loved her before we met, because of the Adderall and ambien abuse. In fact, going into high school, my first day even, I didn't know anyone. I began going up to random people and asking them for meth, and people thought I was an undercover cop and wanted to kick my ass!

I was in the habit of stealing pills from my Mother's medicine cabinet early on, but in my teens began stealing syringes and muscle popping but occasionally getting it in a vein.

When you have been doing meth regularly for years and going so far as to even pray blessings and have religious rituals over it in ecclesiastical Latin, treating it like sacred Holy Communion with the Shinto Divinities, you are completely a slave to it, so much that the only worthwhile thing you can do without it is sleep, use restroom, eat, and if you're lucky take a daily shower.

If you just use a little Tina on weekends you'll probably be fine, but once you are dependant on her you can't find enjoyment or pleasure in anything but sleeping.

I have to discover who I am without drugs. It's sounds super boring but this is me in 2015:



This is 2021



This shall be me in 2025 if I keep using Meth:

[Matthew Mussolini]

Yeah, I need a 24 hour place where I have no access to home or friends for at least a month. I quit meth for a year and a half once. I was staying at a place called "Saint Gregory's Retreat Center" in Wisconsin and had no access to it.

The trick was I was in another state away from every contact and away from the drug. Who knows...I hope I don't have to do that again though.

[niftypebble21]

Matthew Mussolini that's great to hear so I have faith in you that you know how to get the necessary treatment to end your addiction to meth the best thing is at least you've recognised that you need to find help in treating your addiction that is a very good start in your path to recovery ♥

[Matthew Mussolini]

Thank you! :-_
You're kind. It is going to be the epitome of suffering and misery those first two weeks. At Fatima Portugal there was a solar miracle "see miracle of the sun" that 70,000 people witnessed and a message of the coming of World War 2 and the rise of Communism in Russia, the spread of Communism throughout the World, and that suffering is a good powerful thing that atones for sin , makes reparation, and saves souls when offered up.

So, I'm going to need to stick to that mentality that my suffering is a good thing and offer it up, or I'll not be able to stay sober. I'll offer up my suffering for all addicts who suffer and babies who are born addicted to drugs because their mother was using while pregant.

I'll keep humanity in mind and suffer for them. That will make my suffering worth it.

Saint Dominic used to say "pray for the grace to love suffering" . That would actually be an interesting grace to have , because the more I love suffering, the more easy it will be to stay sober, because sometimes sobriety and reality is a nightmare, and if I could only love the nightmare, everything becomes beautiful

Suddenly Hell becomes Heaven! Too often I use drugs to escape suffering. To love suffering is the remedy to that methinks :-)

[Matthew Mussolini]

This shall be me in 2030:

[Matthew Mussolini]

Oh and as far as Caffeine goes. If I keep using Caffeine, Doctor estimated they will need to update my mugshot to possibly look like this in 20 years:




But in all seriousness, more people abuse Caffeine than any other drug. A cup of tea or coffee wouldn't qualify as abuse each day, but the Amen Clinic showed me a scan of a brain after years of large amounts of caffeine and it had new holes showing up.

[niftypebble21]

Hi Matthew Mussolini
This is a very cool synchronistic caffiene thread because as much as I like caffiene as a stimulant it can be very addictive.
The caffiene I enjoy is black tea with some milk and I like coffee such as lattes, cappucino, mocha & black coffee with some milk.

Since I know caffiene is addictive I try to enjoy my caffiene fix during my day in 'moderation' always in mind so I am not having a cup of tea or coffee every hour.
Right now I'm drinking a cup of tea in the morning and in a few hours around midday I'll have another cup of tea or I might have a coffee depending on what I fancy.

So during my day in between when I'm not drinking tea or coffee I enjoy drinking water cold & hot water and I love drinking hot water the best♥

With regards to enjoying hot water it is not obviously boiling hot water otherwise it would result in major burn damage but enjoying hot water as in the temperature of enjoying drinking a hot cuppa coffee and tea is the best & safe temperature I enjoy drinking hot water : )

There are lots of health benefits to drinking water whether it's cold or hot. The best health benefit of drinking hot water is that it effectively detoxes removes all the toxins from your body, here's a good article about the health benefits of drinking hot water:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/art...king-hot-water

There are many folks on youtube making vids about taking a break & quitting coffee & caffeine, this young American guy is I feel one of the best honest vids about quitting coffee for a short period and their experience:

[mrjackrippers96]

I would love to break away from caffeine.

[Matthew Mussolini]

I would love to have energy without stimulants, but niftypebble21 is correct , I'd have way more energy if I was eating healthy.

[mrjackrippers96]

Dude I've done stupid shit when I was younger. Drinking alcohol everyday, drinking a shit ton of soda, and smoking cigarettes. I'm glad to stop all of that and am paying the price for it.

[Matthew Mussolini]

Amazing you could quit.

So , how are you still paying the price for it?

[mrjackrippers96]

Fatigue 24/7. Found out my levels for my kidneys are above normal.

[Undies]

Both title statements are accurate.

[Audiogen]

My worst Meth crash was worse than my worst Caffeine crash. I'll get a headache and be irritable from caffeine sometimes but with meth it was that, plus a sore jaw from trying to stop teeth grinding, plus my body aching from vasoconstriction and body tension, plus a different level of exhaustion from being up all night and appetite suppression well into the next day.

[Matthew Mussolini]

My worst Meth crash was worse than my worst Caffeine crash. I'll get a headache and be irritable from caffeine sometimes but with meth it was that, plus a sore jaw from trying to stop teeth grinding, plus my body aching from vasoconstriction and body tension, plus a different level of exhaustion from being up all night and appetite suppression well into the next day.

I would say my worst meth crash is worse than my worst caffeine crash. But my meth crashes aren't all that bad anymore provided that I haven't been up for three days or something. I find a meth crash isn't even as bad as an adderal crash in my opinion.

I'm not sure why that would be, but then again, my body used to react differently to all stimulants for some reason. Like the crash from meth when I was in Denver was somethin fierce and I'd tale benzodiazepines to feel better. I haven't had crashes like that in the Twin cities ten years later.

The Dope seems to be better here.

I also don't grind my teeth anymore or get cottonmouth.

I still personally would take the come down of 20 dollars worth of Meth over the anxiety of four cups of coffee. Meth is a stimulant where the stimulation is pure euphoria for me. Coffee is a Stimulant that doesn't bring with it much of anything in large amounts but anxiety.

Yerba Mate is my favorite over the counter legal stimulant.

I noticed cocaine didn't bring with it a very enjoyable rush because it made my heart pound so hard. When I can feel my heart pounding in my chest faster than I ever knew a heart was capable of beating, it's kind of difficult to enjoy the high at all because you're so busy thinking about what it's going to be like when Mom is notified that her son died of a heart attack.

When I mixed Cocaine with Temazepam I really enjoyed it though because under the influence of Temazepam I had no fear of death and simply welcomed it.

[Audiogen]

I would say my worst meth crash is worse than my worst caffeine crash. But my meth crashes aren't all that bad anymore provided that I haven't been up for three days or something. I find a meth crash isn't even as bad as an adderal crash in my opinion.

I'm not sure why that would be, but then again, my body used to react differently to all stimulants for some reason. Like the crash from meth when I was in Denver was somethin fierce and I'd tale benzodiazepines to feel better. I haven't had crashes like that in the Twin cities ten years later.

The Dope seems to be better here.

I also don't grind my teeth anymore or get cottonmouth.

I still personally would take the come down of 20 dollars worth of Meth over the anxiety of four cups of coffee. Meth is a stimulant where the stimulation is pure euphoria for me. Coffee is a Stimulant that doesn't bring with it much of anything in large amounts but anxiety.

Yerba Mate is my favorite over the counter legal stimulant.

I noticed cocaine didn't bring with it a very enjoyable rush because it made my heart pound so hard. When I can feel my heart pounding in my chest faster than I ever knew a heart was capable of beating, it's kind of difficult to enjoy the high at all because you're so busy thinking about what it's going to be like when Mom is notified that her son died of a heart attack.

When I mixed Cocaine with Temazepam I really enjoyed it though because under the influence of Temazepam I had no fear of death and simply welcomed it.

I can believe and relate to that... I feel my MDMA comedowns have followed a similar trajectory, although I don't use it anywhere near as often as you use Meth, so maybe I've just been getting lucky the past few times. But when I first started doing MDMA, the crash would start with the comedown where I'd feel awake but dazed and confused as to what to do for several hours followed by a day or two of a roller coaster of emotions that I couldn't really control. Granted I think raving tends to exacerbate those after effects which was the common setting for many of my formative MDMA experiences.

More recently, I can basically fall asleep on the comedown if I want and then sometimes I'll be slightly exhausted the following day but my emotions don't seem as all over the place.

[Vanilla Gorilla]

[Audiogen]

I noticed cocaine didn't bring with it a very enjoyable rush because it made my heart pound so hard. When I can feel my heart pounding in my chest faster than I ever knew a heart was capable of beating, it's kind of difficult to enjoy the high at all because you're so busy thinking about what it's going to be like when Mom is notified that her son died of a heart attack.

When I mixed Cocaine with Temazepam I really enjoyed it though because under the influence of Temazepam I had no fear of death and simply welcomed it.

I did some cocaine last night, I thought the rush was decent for the first couple hits but ffs that shit doesn't last long and is expensive. I know you don't drink but after about the 3rd redose, the luxury of having booze is really helpful. But I found it libidinal and somewhat euphoric. I think it's a bit more 'fun' than the hyper-industrial mindset Meth provides, although to be fair, I never drank on Meth, maybe that would have softened the tone of my highs slightly.

[Matthew Mussolini]

I did some cocaine last night, I thought the rush was decent for the first couple hits but ffs that shit doesn't last long and is expensive. I know you don't drink but after about the 3rd redose, the luxury of having booze is really helpful. But I found it libidinal and somewhat euphoric. I think it's a bit more 'fun' than the hyper-industrial mindset Meth provides, although to be fair, I never drank on Meth, maybe that would have softened the tone of my highs slightly.

If you drink on Meth you might want to drink before you use the dope because my experience is being high on Meth makes alcohol taste really bad and feel mildly nauseous. Same thing with smoking cigarettes. I have a single cigarette on my table that has been there for a long time and I'm not even tempted to smoke it.

I used to go through ash trays to find any butt with a little tobacco in it and obsess about tobacco. It isn't even a slight mild temptation now that I smoke meth. In fact, I don't like to smoke anything else but meth when I'm on meth, but I wouldn't mind shooting heroine on meth just to see what it's like or smoking some black tar again.

So, meth got me to quit tobacco which is probably better for my lungs because meth doesn't contain any tar and can't cause cancer.

I was a hopeless alcoholic. So hopeless was I that I was repeatedly being found unresponsive for mixing it with Benzos. Even from drinking things like hand sanitizer when I couldn't afford alcohol . People called me Santino.

Well, that saying "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic" is not true and I know that from personal experience. The Meth got me off the alcohol for a few years , and now, even when I'm sober, I'm not even slightly tempted to drink even when people are drinking around me.

Meth got me off DXM. Though when I'm withdrawaling from meth I sometimes down a bottle of Delsym.

I'm tellin ya, if I would have kept drinking like that, smoking tobacco like a chimney, and downin cough syrup, I'd be dead before age forty. I'd probably be dead already.

I was heavily into opiods and Benzo's too, and I don't buy those anymore because now that meth is my chief priority, it just strikes me as a total waste to do any of that stuff anymore. First priority is I need to be awake and out of bed doing the things I like to do and not being lazy.

So, meth may have actually saved my life, all things considered, because it stoped me from using Tobacco, alcohol, and all kinds of deadly drugs. I nearly died of an opiod overdose years ago and when the paramedics put me on oxygen, my oxygen level was low enough from not breathing that I could have suffered mental retardation.

My loved ones can rest assured that won't happen as long as I do Meth.

Sobriety would be a hell of a lot better for my physical health but when I have dope , I'm actually a relatively happy tweaker. I just don't need much to be happy because it makes me feel I'm communicating with Kami and coming up with all kinds of ideas and riding my bike and walking all over the place praying, hanging out with what few friends I choose to have, and it's complete peace.

When I was sober I was always shouting blasphemies at God and angry all the time. Maybe I should seriously continue being a tweaker. I really don't know. But I can't thank Tina enough for getting me off alcohol and tobacco.

[Matthew Mussolini]

You are right about meth being an industrial high.

It is also a Spiritual high in my opinion. Psychedelics are Spiritual but I find I don't actually wright anything spiritual when I'm on them. On Psychedelics I might write a sentence of inspiration if that and the rest is spent on my couch, in bed, or if I'm feeling motivated, a nature walk.

On Meth I have filled up half a notebook in a day. Some of it was crazy but some of it very valuable information in writing , so I just underline the stuff that is worth reading and meditating on and leave the rest to not be read.

That is one of the errors with writing on meth is you will write too much.