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**Pete's Draggun** · 12-15-2021, 09:44 PM

Beautiful and deeply meaningful.

I held every word and strum feeling your emotional pain.

**neonspectraltoast** · 12-15-2021, 09:47 PM

**Verbe** · 12-15-2021, 09:50 PM

I love you guys.

**mallyboppa** · 12-15-2021, 10:50 PM

Originally posted by Verbe

It sucks, it was improvised and I was very deep in my feels. But today, I haven't taken any valium, I haven't drank in a few days (since sunday) and I just got my period....

I was able to numb myself for so long from like this emotional pain because I thought I was strong enough to just fight through it until I couldn't take it anymore and was just going to end it all. Today was a super difficult day where I would usually find myself reaching for the bottle (pill or alcohol) but not today. Today I suffered through it. And... I guess it wasn't that bad. You guys know about that DJ guy I mod for, I mean... he and I are connected in a way I can't explain, but we were just like laughing and crying in the stream all day, for 4 hours y'all. He hit a 5k follower milestone and the vibe was so mellow, sad even... but through the sadness we found happiness.... he played a sad song and I mentioned I did a dance to it in high school and the whole chat just roasted me. He is someone I admire and respect so much, I was afraid that our relationship was damaged when I had my mental breakdown and said some thiiiiiings I should NOT have said. It was the worst I've ever felt, knowing that I crossed a boundary of his because I appreciate our relationship so much. Anyways. TECHNICALLY this song is about him, but... it's kind of also for everyone that I've hurt. I'm working on myself. I try so hard to be strong and act like nothing bothers me and I'm tired of it.

So. Here's my stupid song.

You have a nice voice mate (and there's nothing stupid about your song ! )

**Amerijuanican** · 12-16-2021, 03:15 AM

Music often comes from some of our darker moments...

Your song is good, and I think that voice is better than you realize. Really. Keep at it, hope you get to feeling better!

**Meliai** · 12-16-2021, 12:19 PM

Well done fae, not an easy thing to express all those feels into music or art. I like your voice

**Din Djarin** · 12-16-2021, 04:29 PM

Really like hearing your voice

**Youfreeme** · 12-18-2021, 04:37 AM

I like the sentiment of this song a lot, and I like your voice too. Being vulnerable is the hardest part of being strong, sometimes.

**Verbe** · 12-21-2021, 04:02 PM

So yesterday something happened during the stream. DJ bizzon roasted me again, but I don't think he realized what he was saying and it really struck a nerve in me and I guess it was pretty obvious because he MESSAGED ME on Instagram to apologize for it. It wasn't that big of a deal, really but I guess I was acting salty in the chat...

I'm just gonna say it. He's the most talented, creative, hard working man I've ever met. He's been so gracious to me, he's mentored me and given me so much advice, and a community as well. He's so handsome and funny. He's tall. I obviously like him. Like.. He gave me one of the best compliments I've ever gotten in my life. Someone I think is so cool and talented said I'm a good DJ, he said he can see that I work hard for it. No one has ever really complimented my work ethic, which... Is a huge part of me, my passion and drive. He's one of the only men I've ever met who I consider a friend who hasn't crossed a line with me. Like... He RESPECTS me. He likes how smart I am. We make each other laugh all the time.

When he messaged me last night it was like... So weird... He obviously was thinking about me. And he felt bad about what he said, even after everything that happened before... After we had our little incident I felt so terrible, I pretty much stopped interacting with him the way I was before. Stopped talking to him as much. Didn't like his posts or comment like I used to. I wonder if he misses that, but I did it out of respect for him because I thought he was annoyed with me. I wonder if I should have said more, when I responded I just said it was all good and it's just jokes. But I wanted to say more. I wanted to tell him about how insecure I was as a kid and his comments really hurt, I wanted to say I miss talking to him and I wish it wasn't so weird, I want to ask him how he feels about me and why everything has to be so messed up.... The cards refuse to tell me anything. Did a reading last night and in the "how I feel about you" position I got the 3 of swords, the heartbreak card. Because he did kind of break my heart.

I wish I wasn't so weird. I wish I wasn't so sad. I wish I could just be normal so bad. Like... I guess a normal person would admit they were in love with this person but am I? Am I IN LOVE with this dude? I don't even know him, I've never met him but finding his channel was the best thing that's ever happened to me... I just wish him all the success and happiness he can get and I'm proud to be on the journey with him. I don't feel romantic love, I never have. But there's something there. I can feel it.

It's funny that I made this song for him (never ever sent it to him tho obviously) and now he's apologizing to me. An interesting turn of events

**Verbe** · 12-21-2021, 11:39 PM

Well I fucking sent it to him. Fuck it. Fuck. It. I know he feels the same way. I know something is there. And I don't care, I wrote a fucking song because I felt horrible about what I said. And I wanted him to know about it.

So stupid. Whyyyyyyy do I doooooo the things I dooooo

**Verbe** · 12-22-2021, 12:23 AM

AAAHHHHHH HE MESSAGED ME BACK AND HE WAS LIKE OH WHEN DID YOU START SINGING AND PLAYING GUITAR

I AM GOING TO CRY

**neonspectraltoast** · 12-22-2021, 02:06 AM

I'm worried about you, Sam. It's a fine, fine thing to have someone to love, albeit. I wouldn't know. I just know men, and they ain't no good.

**Verbe** · 12-22-2021, 09:40 AM

I think he missed talking to me. And I missed it too. I know he has feelings for me, and I feel something for him as well. I've never felt like this before, never had such and interest in a person before. I mean, you guys should watch this dude he is so super talented, but I can tell he gets emotional and holds himself back from his true potential. LIKE ME. I can tell when he gets nervous too because he asked me if Canadian Christmas was LAST MONTH lmao I was like uh no christmas is the same time almost everywhere lol. Well, except for the Orthodox holidays I guess. But I think it's really cute when he says dumb stuff and trips over his words when he's nervous.

He's given me the best compliment of my life, he has done nothing but praise and support me, he has never said anything about how I look or made a pass at me, he's the only man I've ever known in my life who has apologized to me UNPROMPTED... he's my friend. whether he likes it or not lol.

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